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ElizabethAnn

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Everything posted by ElizabethAnn

  1. From Abrazo's friend Patricia Irwin Johnson, who is retiring and shutting down her adoption website, comes this valuable information on what NOT to say when your relative is adopting... thanks to Pat for giving us permission to reprint this article here for our own use!
  2. Many thanks to Abrazo's friend, Patricia Irwin Johnson, for her permission to share this article, as she is retiring at the end of the year and shutting down her website...
  3. For more about the historical significance of the "what KIND of family do we want to adopt from" debate, take a look at THIS. (Check out the historical photo at the left of this article... how many of Abrazo's families would take top prize in the "Fitter Families" contests of yore, I wonder?) Here's a blogger who is also a birthmom and has a thing or two to say about adoption programs that focus on working only with the "right kind" of people: Motherhood Deleted. And if you've never ventured into the topic of "selective breeding", enter at your own risk.
  4. I have been trying really hard not to respond because I think even at Abrazo, we still have plenty of clients who still think this way, at least initially, and that pains me to admit it. Yet... it's all too easy to forget that expectant parents living within ideal circumstances rarely need to place. (And that children who were once adopted still need their parents to honor their primal connection to "chain-smoking bar hopping birthparents with lots of drama" just as much as those whose birthparents are good Christians from good families.) Obviously, some adoptive parents struggle with entitlement issues, and need to view themselves or their life choices as being of a superior quality to those of their child's birthparent/s. But can you imagine the unspoken message that is relayed (and repeated) to the adoptee, who grows up understanding they ultimately were someone's "mistake"? Much of what is unspoken in the comments of "Future Adoptive Family" has to do with eugenics, and the idea of "better stock" (and those attitudes are still alive and well in the greater adoption community today, unfortunately.) Let's be honest: most adoptive families DO come to the adoption process hoping for a "smooth" (read: drama-free) placement experience, and some do expect to be protected by a hermetically-sealed bubble that exempts them from the effects of the dramatic circumstances surrounding those who must place. Those are the ones who are "fine with openness"... so long as none of the chaos of their child's birthparents' lives impacts them, as well. And most birthparents who place are likewise hoping that their child's life will be free of drama, too, and they don't expect their future to be affected by chaos in the adoptive parents' lives, because they've generally been assured that the people to whom they are entrusting their child are more stable and secure than they themselves are. But the ideal situation in open adoption, in my mind, is for an adopting family and a placing family to appreciate that their contrasting circumstances do not compromise their shared commitment to a child's welfare... that the differences in their background need not define their friendship... and that the child for whom they are both responsible will ultimately grow up to reflect the very best of whom both families are, in this life.
  5. Another Addition to the "Who Birthmoms Are" and Why They Place survey... Abrazo has also worked with a mom or two in the past who got caught in a surrogacy deal-gone-bad... I think there should be special legal sanctions for those who pay to get other women pregnant and then pull out... so to speak.
  6. For parents or parents-to-be who may be interested in the research about the effects of parenting under less-than-optimal conditions, this is a very balanced and highly-respected academic journal that examines the impact of what the experts refer to as "fragile families." (Or CLICK HERE and scroll down to read the entire journal online.)
  7. Thanks for reviving this, Melissa! (Newcomers, please take note: you now must have five face-to-face visits with your homestudy worker in the first six months following placement, compliments of the Texas Department of Family & Protective Services Residential Childcare Licensing officials, who decided apparently that adoptive parents needed monthly post-placement interviews, instead of quarterly. What WILL those fun-loving crazy bureaucrats think of next?! )
  8. Oh, Monica... big hugs to you. I know you are struggling to come to terms with the decision that you made, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with others. It's very common for women who have placed to seek to rationalize their decisions afterwards, especially when they are under pressure from others who may not agree with the plans they have made. That's not to say that hormone changes don't impact women during pregnancy (clearly they do: read more, here.) But every woman who places is impacted by stress, by hormones and/or by depression, frankly-- and in the end, it's up to them whether they wish to view their own adoption decision as having been the "right" choice or not. There is nothing in Texas law that enables parents who place to undo an irrevocable relinquishment based on hindsight nor hormones, which is why even the relinquishment document requires all affiants to confirm before signing, by their own initials, that they know they should not sign the document if they are not thinking clearly because of "illness, any substance or medication, my emotional health or any other reason." Rest assured, Monica, that you are currently in the midst of continuing hormonal fluctuations during what some professionals call the "fourth trimester", and that this continues to impact your current thoughts and feelings-- and yes, the post-adoption grief experience, as well. That doesn't mean that what you are presently thinking or feeling is not "real" but it is to say that this may not be the most appropriate time to try to permanently evaluate whether or not you made the right decision for your son's welfare. (Hindsight is always 50/50, as they say.) Every mother with an untimely pregnancy can only make her own best decisions on what she knows at the time, hormones or stress or depression or not, and I hope in time you will be able to trust that you, too, did the best you could, given your circumstances at the time.
  9. Fascinating... I never knew that after losing a biological son in childbirth, Rose Wilder Lane (daughter of Laura Ingalls Wilder) went on to parent at least three boys through some sort of foster care/adoption arrangement: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose_Wilder_Lane (And for those who prefer sources other than Wikipedia, there's lots more info HERE.) (Plus, a bonus read for those who enjoy Little House on the Prairie lore as much as my sons and I do: In Honor of Half-Pint! )
  10. SOOOO glad you're part of our Family... at Camp, on the Forum, and in every way! Big hugs, mija! Welcome, welcome!

  11. We are waiting to receive profiles (of homestudied couples) so we can show this mom that there are families ready to match with her, who will dearly love her baby, as well.
  12. I'm sure it would, Wendy... her concern is just that she wants her baby-- and their baby-- to be the center of their universe, which is as it should be.
  13. She was hoping for a Texas couple because she doubts an out-of-state couple will faithfully return to Texas for visits, and she truly wants that kind of openness as her child grows, so he and his brother can have a continuing connection throughout their lives. When I spoke with her today, though, she said she is getting scared that there may not be a family in place before the baby gets here, so she may be open to out-of-state couples if they are truly committed to open adoption.
  14. We are in desperate need of homestudied, childless couples living outside San Antonio who would be interested in the possible placement of an African-American baby boy due next month! His mama is an articulate, conscientious parent who is very invested in an open adoption and wants him to be the family's firstborn, so he gets ALL the attention! but she'd prefer that the adoptive family not live in her proverbial backyard. If you know of homestudy-ready couples who wish to be considered, please have them forward a copy of their profile and their homestudy to Abrazo A.S.A.P!!!
  15. (Not to add to the fires... but think "Bald Tires"!)
  16. In Australia, the Church is apologizing for thousands (150k!) of "forced adoptions" of babies involuntarily seized by and placed through Catholic churches and agencies from 1950 through 1970s: Catholic Church of Australia offering penance for stolen children
  17. It's easier than you think... unfortunately. Casey Anthony, having been acquitted of murder, manslaughter and child abuse and having had her mental competence affirmed in court, would certainly not be incapable of pulling off a private or independent adoption. Her existing criminal record shows only convictions for check fraud and lying to investigators, and neither precludes one from adopting under most states' laws. Although her "celebrity" was borne of notoriety, our reality-programming driven culture is bound to equip her with a certain fan base, however questionable their judgement may be. Given that Anthony is reportedly considering million-dollar book deals and movie rights offers, it is sadly conceivable that she could acquire a baby from somebody who sympathizes with her, identifies with her plight and/or wants to benefit from her "fame" by association. Most homestudy workers generally feel inclined to approve the clients that hire them, and while it may (er, should!) raise questions that a child previously in Anthony's care died of unknown causes, the fact that she was acquitted means she could not be disqualified for that reason alone, assuming she could provide a child with adequate shelter and had the means to provide for him/her. And should any of Anthony's relatives see fit to entrust a child to her for any reason-- in thirty-one states, no homestudy would be required whatsoever. Anthony could simply have the legalwork drawn up by her attorney, Jose' Baez, and assuming he was friendly with a judge willing to sign off on it, Casey Anthony's adoption dream could become a fait accompli. Scary, isn't it?
  18. HOPE FOR AARP MEMBERS INTERESTED IN ADOPTING!! I'm genuinely glad little Asia is getting adopted, but I hope one of the conditions of her South Carolina placement is that there's a Life Alert unit in the adoptive home, because God forbid this little girl should have to summon help before she's old enough to use a phone or give CPR?
  19. Lately, we've had several prospective birthparents requesting childless couples living in San Antonio, and at present, we have none to offer (at least, none that are homestudy ready.) If you know of good childless couples who are open to children of all ethnicities, who are living in the San Antonio area, please encourage them to send in a completed inqury. Thanks!
  20. Today, another adoptee blog discussed these quotes and how the attitudes contained therein seep into societal perspectives as well as adoption politics.... BUSTED: Adoptive Parents Speak In the interest of full disclosure (and perhaps in an example of inexplicable irony), this piece also includes a published quote by one of our own, Abrazomom and renowned novelist, Jacquelyn Mitchard. As the godmother of a son borne for Jackie and her husband Chris by a surrogate after Jackie adopted her first two daughters at Abrazo, I know Jackie and her children well. I know they speak openly about the birthparents of their kids, and I can imagine Jackie saying this to her Francie in the same tone in which I shame my kids into behaving with threats that Santa is watching. I, too, have been guilty of referring to my sons as "brats" on choice occasions, although I am not proud of admitting it and though I've never been literate enough to add the word "writhing" because I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Jackie has enjoyed continuing contact with her daughters' birth moms over the years, so I know she would've written the referenced piece in full candor, knowing they might well read it and identify with her maternal frustration. I admit, though, that I may be biased, and others may well find Jackie's quoted remark as disturbing as all the others. If there's one productive takeaway lesson to be learned from all of this, maybe it's just that we all must remember that the institution of adoption that makes families possible is inevitably impacted by what we all say about it--and how we say it-- and ultimately, it's our words (all of them) that will eventually shape how our children view their origins, as well.
  21. A colleague of mine in the adoption field sent me this today, and it made me flinch. Perhaps it does reflect the "real" feelings of some who adopt, or maybe it's an unfair anthology of the worst of 'em, but it makes me even more thankful for those within the Abrazo community who truly do "walk the walk" and who stick around the Forum and attend Camp and by their influence help others to be more compassionate in their adoption journeys, for the children's sake. (Warning: this is painful to read and may cause one's blood pressure to sky-rocket... at least I hope it does!) What (Some) Adoptive Parents Say When They Think Nobody's Watching...
  22. It's a "great" problem in that it means many of Abrazo's existing families have already been found by the birthparents that needed them! But Ellen, you're right: it's NOT a good problem for expectant parents who come to our agency and can't find the kind of adoptive families they want for their child/ren because our selection of waiting families is so small at present. Parents who place need to be able to find the family of their dreams just as surely as parents who adopt want to find the child of their dreams.
  23. It's a nice problem to have, but... today our staff is dashing out to show profiles to two prospective moms, and we currently have only a total of six (6!) families available for full Hispanic babies. That's good news for those six, of course, but not for expectant moms and moms of already-born infants who likely have their own individual subset of placement preferences (ie., who only want a family of a certain ethnicity or religion or geographic base, etc.) that cannot be met by our tiny sample of a half-dozen available homes across America. Our next orientation weekend is not until late June, and we are in desperate need of especially infertile childless couples who are racially-open (accepting of not just Anglo or Anglo-Hispanic children, but Hispanic and/or African babies, as well)... and racially-open Texas families, with or without previously-adopted children... and interracial (African-American and Anglo or Hispanic) couples or families from any region! As always, Abrazo againers who are in good standing (those who have remained active on the Forum and/or attend Camp Abrazo, submit annual reports consistently and keep in touch with the agency and/or their child/ren's birthparents regularly) are also welcome to re-apply. Those with specific questions can call Brianna at our office, but those who are interested in joining Abrazo's program can download the AP Inquiry (http://www.abrazo.org/apinfo.html) and those who are interested in returning can skip the Inquiry and message us to request the application packet. Thanks!
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