ElizabethAnn

Adoption costs aside, here's the latest on what it costs to raise a child to adulthood: http://www.mint.com/blog/consumer-iq/bundle-of-joy-wad-of-cash-a-peek-into-financial-planning-for-a-new-baby-0613/ (No wonder agencies have to require proof of financial stability in advance of placement.)

My thoughts, exactly. Some baby-daddies are well-prepared... this one doesn't appear to be, but here's hoping his family helps out.

Thank you, all. The expectant mom delivered without any adoptive family in place and hence, decided to send the baby home with the alleged father. We hope this works out in the best interests of the baby.

We may have posted this somewhere previously, but it's helpful advice from a birthmom on adoptive parent profiles: http://www.nurtureadopt.org/af/adoptionarticles/writingdbmletter.htm

And here's Pat... or, her/his/its creator, that is: http://www.npr.org/2013/04/06/176168059/its-pat-creator-muses-on-motherhood-and-family-life. (Better known as Julia Sweeney!)

Any Duck Dynasty fans around here? http://www.godvine.com/Ducky-Dynasty-Star-Adoption-fb-gv-3091.html

I wish that our nation's employers could afford every family of a new child paid time off for family bonding--- moms and dads alike! That would give all of America's children such a better start in life, I think. But the reality is that more parents don't get paid leave than do, whether they become parents through birth, through foster care or through adoption. (And the same, ironically, applies to those of us who work in adoption. In 2002, when I became a parent for the first time, I had no paid maternity leave, either, even though my baby had special needs and was in the NICU for 8 weeks.) I know Brianna is likewise having to plan ahead, to take time off without pay for maternity leave when her baby is born. (FMLA doesn't apply here, since we've got less than 50 employees, but not to worry, Brianna, we'll keep your chair warm for you!)

Great story, Mari! I wonder if adoptees in closed adoptions are more sensitive to the financial issues because they weren't raised in the context of relationships that helped assure them their adoption was far more than a mere monetary transaction? That said, though, I remember my horror at a placement more than 20 years ago, when an adoptive father waved the case estimate in the air and proclaimed "I'm gonna frame this and put it in the nursery to remind this kid what he owes me whenever he refuses to mow the lawn!" He thought it was funny. (I sure didn't.)

It raises all sorts of interesting questions. As this prospective adopter asks in the first comment of this blog: is it cheating for a family to fundraise to adopt if they're financially secure? How many couples perhaps use "their own money" to pay for pricey infertility treatments, yet later "fundraise" for money with which to adopt? What would the public response be if expectant parents engaged in fundraising to help them parent? Would that be more or less acceptable than adoption fundraising, and why? The perspectives on the subject are widely varied, as demonstrated here: http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2011/07/dear-abby-fund-raising-for-adoption.html. "Pore chilluns"? (Gulp!) Yet it seems significant that most adoptees appear uncomfortable with the prospect. Here's another adoptee's take on the subject: http://theadoptedones.wordpress.com/2011/04/28/fundraising-thoughts/. This may be something adopting couples want to explore before going public with efforts to solicit funds for their adoption-- how will you feel explaining this to your child, someday? I'm hesitant to broach this subject for obvious reasons (because admittedly, I work in an industry that contributes more to the problem than the solution, and because the reality is that I would likely have to pursue an adoption from the state foster system, were I to financially undertake the adoption process, myself.) Abrazo requires couples submit all their financial records in the application process because we want to be sure that the families whom we accept are capable of managing the costs of adopting and raising a child-- without incurring unmanageable debts in the process. Yet the debate over adoption fundraising troubles me. Is there any possibility the concept derives from that old "martyrdom myth" that suggested good upstanding citizens who selflessly rescued an unwanted urchin deserved monetary rewards for "taking in" a child not their own? It wasn't that long ago that the State of Texas paid out one-time "adoption subsidies" (some folks saw them as "cash bonuses") to any adopters who took placement of perfectly healthy infants or children who just happened to be born of a particular minority race. Was that really "adoption assistance," or something else, like a bounty prize? (I flinch, just typing those words.) Many people question the true intent of "birthparent maternity assistance," as well. Is it really to help pregnant women have a healthier pregnancy, or to ultimately indebt them to the giver, to induce them to place? I know what the State of Texas has to say about why this support is permitted, but sometimes, when I hear from birthmoms about the "cash offers" made to them by out-of-state baby brokers, I'm not too sure it's really about the babies' best interests anymore. Perhaps the propriety of birthparent financial support, adoption fundraising and/or adoption subsidy lies in the eye of the beholder. The problem, though, is that ultimately, it matters not whether the birthparent or adoptive parent can justify their financial decisions (what they paid, what they collected) but rather, how the child involved comes to perceive it? As Stephen Covey says, effective people have to "begin with the end in mind" and the end isn't actually the giving or getting of a child but accounting to any child who was once adopted for how he/she came to be who and where he/she is-- answers that should never, ever be financially-driven.

A special word of thanks to Abrazo's Angel Account donors, whose gracious generosity is helping Abrazo provide needed professional grief therapy in this time of great loss. Those who wish to do so may also contribute directly to Arya's Kids, the nonprofit organization Arya's adoptive parents established in his memory.

I think it's probably a less-than-optimal arrangement if the parent and child are both in diapers at the same time... just sayin'!

One of my secret regrets from when I opened Abrazo and first established our criteria for the sort of adopting families we would accept is that I implemented no expectation for religious affiliation or church attendance. As a preacher's daughter opening a private, nonprofit organization, I fully intended for Abrazo's adoptees to grow up in homes in which they would be raised by faith-filled families who actively practiced within their chosen religious affiliation, because I know how essential faith formation has been in my own life. I think children learn values at home and as per the discussion which is required in the course of every homestudy, one of those values is supposed to be religion. I didn't want to specify denominational membership, in hopes of encouraging religious diversity. But unlike other agencies with a particular affiliation requirement, Abrazo did not opt to exclude those who did not document regular church attendance, and I often wonder if we did Abrazo's kids a disservice, as a result? I made this choice intentionally at the time, because I know church attendance in itself is no guarantee of spiritual authenticity. And I subscribed to the idea that some families might be led to faith by the arrival of a child in their lives. I still hope this is so. Yet given the secularization of our society, I wonder how many of Abrazo's families have made a dedicated effort to nurture their children's religious faith? How many of Abrazo's families worship regularly, as a family? How many of Abrazo's kids have parents who have made no effort whatsoever to grow in faith since they took their new child home, and as a result, are raising children who have no spiritual foundation whatsoever in their lives? I ran across this article today, and it reminded me of how crucial it is for us to be placing with families who are genuinely devoted to "raising up a child in the way he/she should go" from the time they're tiny, so they have a faith foundation to return to, throughout their lives and amidst their questions: http://marc5solas.wo...s-leave-church/

A few additional resources for grappling with these questions... http://www.gotquestions.org/infertility.html http://www.nacsw.org/Publications/Proceedings2009/MacDougallRSeeingGod.pdf http://www.christianliferesources.com/article/a-mother-s-sacrifice-of-adoption-1194 http://rachelsblatherings.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-you-want-to-adopt-please-dont.html http://www.christianliferesources.com/article/-as-god-wills-understanding-god-s-plan-for-childless-couples-107 http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=6016447 http://www.lutheransforlife.org/article/christ-and-adoption/

Carissa, thank you for bringing that up... there is, sometimes, a societal perception that if somebody can't have children, they should be grateful for whatever child they are given (whatever race, age, gender) and stop there, leaving the other adoptable babies for the other childless couples. (That's not unique to birthparents, by the way; even some adopting families struggle with that concept.) Don't let it make you get defensive... remember, Abrazo's families are not like every other adopter out there! Most Abrazofolk truly get why children being adopted need to maintain their original family connections, and the more children out there in need of adoption who are blessed to be raised in Abrazo homes, the better! Your challenge is to gently and effectively educate prospective birthparents (as well as the world at large) as to why it's a good thing for experienced Abrazo families to be able to offer their love and nurture to more than one child-- and more than one set of birthparents, too! (P.S. Just this morning, a thirty-something expectant mom was in our office sorting through profiles, and the three that she felt most drawn to all happened to be againers, so keep that in mind... the right match will find you, assuming you're truly ready to be found! Not if, but when!)

I was thinking today about how blessed Abrazo is to have as many againers as we do, and how I wish more prospective birthparents would consider againers when choosing parents for their babies. Parents who are placing typically prefer childless couples because it assures them they are changing a couple's lives in a way that nobody else can. They feel it makes their sacrifice more meaningful, on some level. Some wish to only choose childless couples because they want their baby to be the firstborn in the family. And still others feel more secure with couples whose level of adoption experience is akin to their own. They don't want to worry about whether they (or the child they're placing) will measure up to another birthparent, or another adopted child already in the home. This may seem unfair to those who are seeking to adopt a second time. Yet if you think about it, if you're going to a baby shower, you want to be the first person who thought to bring the parents-to-be a Bumbo, not the second or third. No matter how gracious the shower honoree may be, you're probably not going to feel your gift was just as appreciated if yours wasn't their first. That's just human nature... and that's the challenge faced by couples in the open adoption process a second or third time. Parents who are willing to place with couples who are already parenting are sometimes older, themselves. Many are parenting more than one child, and thus they recognize the value of placing with someone with proven parenting skills. (Occasionally, in rare instances, the adoptive parents' parenting skills may create a "make or break" situation with a prospective placing parent who has their own definition of "well-managed children" so keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to bring your child/ren along when visiting the prospective birthfamily before placement.) Abrazo's staff does counsel with prospective birthparents who are considering adopting couples, to help ascertain what's important to them and how to best find the family who will meet their needs. We do routinely encourage expectant parents to consider those who have adopted with us before by pointing out that one's best indicator of a couple's commitment to openness is often reflected in the relationship they have with the child they adopted previously. Yet more important than the agency's input is the adopting couple, themselves; their ease in speaking with prospective birthparents, their openness to a variety of placement factors (race, gender, age, lifestyle) and their commitment to open adoption and ongoing contact after placement. It's important for returning adopters to anticipate the questions or concerns that prospective birthparents may have and address those openly, whether in the profile one creates or on the phone calls that one takes. Help prospective birthparents understand the special place that awaits their child in your home, and how uniquely treasured each child you raise will be in your family. Offer a "reference" from the birthparent of the child you've adopted already, by including a testimonial written by your child's birthparent(s) in your profile. Ask the birthmom of the child you're parenting if she might be willing to serve as a special support person for the expectant parent with whom you match, if appropriate. And while you wait, know that the waiting does serve a purpose, even when it gets so discouraging. Whether you placed quickly or slowly the first time around has no bearing whatsoever on the second (or third) go-round. If your profile doesn't seem to draw the desired response, switch it up! If the mothers who ask to speak with you don't seem to "fit" your expectations for your next match, draw a wider circle of prospects by doing some additional advertising online. Get proactive! It's STILL a matter of "not if, but when!" so square those shoulders, thank Heavens for the child/ren you already have, and keep the faith! Your next son or daughter is going to find you... all in due time.

What a gift that Sloan still has her birthmom and birthgrandparents so involved in her life! I am so proud of all the grownups in her life for ensuring that she didn't have to lose her first family in order to gain her adoptive family! Happy Birthday to one very loved little girl!

Interesting essay on Huffington Post... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/05/imaginary-redhead-adoption-story_n_2405298.html (text appears below, in case the link goes bad):

How can people of faith clearly discern when they're being led by God, versus driven by their own desires? That's a question being raised by some in the wake of the Baby Teleah case. The currently-pending controversy is pitting the rights of a military husband (and admitted agnostic) who never consented to his wife's decision to flee Texas and place their daughter for adoption in Utah, against the alleged spiritual entitlement of a Mormon adoptive couple who have been ordered by the courts to return that child, who is nearly two years old. Here's a thoughtful blog by another LDS parent, about statements made by Teleah's would-be adoptive parents regarding their conviction that God wants her for their family: [/url] It's risky business, presuming we know what God intends when it comes to fertility, unplanned pregnancy and adoption. And it's human nature to seek answers and to want what we want for ourselves to be what God wants for us, as well. Adoptive Families magazine raised the question not long ago: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=363. Even the venerable New York Times recently took on the question of whether adoption is more about destiny or magical thinking? http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/15/adoption-destiny-and-magical-thinking/. Do we look for "signs" that God put our adoption together to assure ourselves of some cosmic seal of approval? Would a loving God wish miscarriage or infertility on us just to make adoptions happen-- and if God is completely in charge, why would God need to go to such lengths at all? Do adopting families only get the children God intended for them (and if so, does that mean disrupted adoptions are sinful?) Or does God allow the element of human liberty and free will to take precedence in adoption planning, loving and watching over us regardless of the results? Adoptive dad Shaun Groves (http://simplemom.net/six-things-adoption-has-taught-me/) cites a brother-in-law who thoughtfully asks "what if God's will for our lives is found wherever someone's need and our abilities intersect?" (This, however, incites the age-old debate of why those who claim their motivation to adopt is solely child-centered don't just devote the funds they would spend towards adoption to financially enable an expectant mother to parent and not place?) Yet if destiny/divine intervention is responsible for determining what happens and what doesn't, then does that suggest that it is somehow Fate that certain parents are destined to suffer adoption loss, and if so, how does that fit with the concept of a benevolent Creator, who wants only the best for our lives? http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-adoption-lists-was-it-my-destiny-to-become-a-birthmother/. To what extent should expectant parents seek Heavenly guidance when considering their adoption options and choosing a family, and how can they know if the answers they find are from God or not? And what does this mean to persons-once-adopted? Certainly there are adoptees who believe that their upbringing and their adoptive families were truly chosen for them by God, and who rightfully see God's loving hand in the open adoption relationships between their respective families. But what about those who feel called to question the process by which they became part of a family who feels they were divinely entitled to shut out the birthfamily? Here's one adoptee's response (and we warn you, it's not exactly warm and fuzzy: http://landofgazillionadoptees.com/2012/08/16/dear-people-who-believe-placing-children-for-adoption-and-adopting-children-into-your-families-is-destiny-and-a-part-of-gods-plan/... and here's another, rather scathing indictment of the adoption "industry" as a whole: http://neverforgottenisfound.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/gods-will-according-to-the-bible-and-not-according-to-the-christian-adoption-world/. ) I don't have the answers to all the questions raised herein. (Sorry if you were hoping otherwise...) Still, I do think as people of faith, they're questions worth discussing and quandaries worth exploring. I do believe that God watches over those who place, those who adopt, and those who live with the choices of both. I trust that Abrazo's efforts have been blessed by God, imperfect as we are, and I cling to the age-old wisdom of the Scriptures, in which we are assured that God has left nothing to chance, however limited our vision may be at times?! And I cling to the wisdom of my father, who always assured me that "out of a web of human emotions and events, some of which seem good to us and some of which may not, God IS bringing God's purposes to pass!" What do YOU think?

We're all for humor, but what a strange thing for these celebrities to joke about: http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kristen-bell-dax-shepard-joke-were-giving-child-134500022-us-weekly.html

We've seen what happens time and time again, when an expectant parent or a newly-delivered parent find their family members opposed to their placement plan... and it can get really ugly, at a time when that parent is so very vulnerable and in need of support. We've seen birthparents whose families dragged in the heavy artillery by threatening to disown them, or by threatening to take away their other kids from them, or calling in the grandparents or aunts and uncles to voice disapproval, or who refuse to let the birthparent(s) come home after placement. We like to think they mean well, but they clearly do not recognize how devastating the opposition can be to a placing parent who truly does just want a better life for their child. Much of this is hard for the adoption community to understand. We tend to see adoption as a positive decision, yet for very traditional/minority families, the placement of a child for adoption is often considered an anomaly, akin to abandonment. Sometimes, the opposition is simply based in ignorance, and in such cases, it is possible to educate birthfamily members and eventually secure their support for the placing parent. Placing parents whose parents had them young fear often that their decision to place will be viewed as "disloyal" to the family. (If Grandma gave up everything to raise Mom even though she wasn't ready, and then Mom dropped out of high school to have me, what am I saying about them and their choices if I give my baby away?) This is especially true if the parent or grandparent is offering to help raise the child that is potentially going to be placed; rejecting that help in favor of placing a child outside the family can be perceived as a direct offense by those whose offers are being denied. Occasionally, the disapproving birthrelatives have had their own bad experience with adoption, or are influenced by media stories that focus on birthparents who were tricked into placing or denied promised contact after placement. Their concerns can sometimes be alleviated through access with the adopting family and education about the legal process. Sometimes, though, the motivation for withholding support borders on abusive. (One Abrazo birthmom who placed recently has had to deal with taunts from her mother about the baby she "lost" to adoption, even though that baby's birthgrandmother has likewise relinquished parental rights in the past and more than once.) These situations are typically indicative of dysfunctional family systems in which the problems long predated the pregnancy, yet the pregnancy and/or placement becomes one more excuse for the maltreatment that occurs. Placing parents who are facing family opposition quickly discover there is no magic solution; it takes a lot of courage to stand up to pressure from one's relatives, some of whom may eventually come around and others of whom never will. Abrazo routinely offers counseling from independent therapists who can work with a birthparent and her family to address such issues, but the agency cannot force a placing parent's relatives to support an adoption plan anymore than an adopting family can do so with their own kinfolk. Does anybody out there want to share their experience with oppositional birth relatives, and how they dealt with it?

Bandtmccrory, welcome! We're glad you're excited! Your application just arrived in yesterday's mail, so give us a little time to review it, and Brianna will surely be in touch.

NEEDED: Emotionally-stable, financially-secure, medically-infertile childless couples for our February orientation! Abrazo is blessed to have plenty of againers at present, but we need some newbies (especially Texans) to fulfill the expectations of prospective birthparents looking to place and hoping for their child to be an adoptive family's "firstborn." Contact Brianna for more information, or submit an Adoptive Parent Inquiry form (available on Abrazo's website) today!

Rosie O'Donnell and her latest partner have adopted a US-born newborn, according to reports today: http://news.yahoo.com/rosie-odonnell-wife-michelle-rounds-adopt-baby-girl-212503478.html O'Donnell formerly funded and worked for a NJ adoption agency, Children of the World, which had reportedly handled her prior adoptions. That agency was shut down by the state in 2007 for wrongful adoption practices.

Thank you!