ElizabethAnn

Some folks have asked lately about using home equity loans to finance adoption plans--anybody out there have any experience with (or information on) this?

Sugarfamily, these are really important questions and I'm so glad you have (1) the courage to ask them, (2) the drive to explore them and (3) the wisdom to pose them here... because the Forum is full of wise and caring people who've grappled with the same kinds of queries and fears and can probably offer much more sage advice and appropriate answers firsthand, from the "been there, know this" perspective. From a clinical standpoint, I do think kids adopted later in life and those adopted internationally often have very different needs and adjustment issues than those placed domestically as infants in open adoptions. (Not better, not worse... just different.) It's normal for all kids to fantasize about families they might have had. Yet it can be more complicated for children who were adopted to resolve inner feelings about the birthparents they never knew for reasons they don't understand. It's not uncommon for adoptees to wonder what life might have been like had they been given a say in determining whether they stayed with their "families of origin" (just as parents who adopt may continue to wonder, after adopting, what their biological children may have been like and how life might have been different with such offspring.) Likewise, it's normal (if not healthy) to project our fears and frustrations and work them out in safe surroundings (explaining why parents have historically made such great targets whether or not we were ever adopted!) Check out the "why so angry" topic under "In The Know"--and maybe invite your nephew to share his own insights on being adopted here on the Forum--he may have valuable feedback for us all. So much of every adopted person's adjustment and identity formation is dependent upon so many factors beyond their control-- having been raised by families with varying levels of loss and grief, parenting skills, adoption training, emotional stability, education, infertility resolution, entitlement, anger management, spirituality, self-esteem, etc. That's why it's so essential that prospective parents do their homework, and seek counseling to "get their ducks in a row" before adopting. Although nobody can ever completely prepare in advance, parenting is an enormous and thankless task, so learning all you can upfront just helps better the odds of making it an optimal experience for both you and your child! Please don't be afraid, Sugarfamily. Your candor, your valor in taking on teen challenges even before dirty diapers, and your willingness to tackle the big questions are already indicators of what great parents you will be. Learn all you can from the Forum folks (the real-life adoption experts!) and keep your eye on the goal! because somewhere out there is a child who is going to need just exactly the love and guidance that you have to offer, and you can get there from here.

Just curious... how have things turned out for your niece and her child?

Jada... linlacor... your posts are heartwrenching and I am so thankful you have the courage to share your feelings so openly. Because all of us have much to learn from you. And because I think you speak for countless other birthmothers who still have no voice. (Whether because of fear, of denial, of public pressure to "act grateful" for an option that caused them so much pain, etc.) Adoption can wreak lifelong loss, and with that comes a kind of grief which birthparents carry with them forever, though everyone carries it in different ways and to different degrees. You're no oddball, Jada. If folks don't know how to respond (and I had to take a few days to find words, myself) it's not because they don't care. It's just so hard for all of us to know what to say, or how to "say the right thing," like at funerals and other times of loss. Nobody knows how to fix the inequity that good placements unavoidably cause, when caring parents give up the most precious thing in the world to them--for that child's sake--and then, endure ongoing pain over that sacrifice. We want to believe that "everybody wins" (to quote the song we play at orientation)... We want to tie up the package all pretty with a gorgeous bow and assure ourselves it was "all for the best," for everybody and not "just" the child. But what happens when what was best for the innocent child involved may not have been what is best down the road for the birthfamily? I think that is the issue which many adults adopted as children struggle with when they seek reunion with their birthparents later in life. Oftentimes those who were adopted feel guilty that their birthparents suffered for--or regretted--the decisions they made. (As JustMe said in another posting under "In The Know: Why So Angry", she wanted to find her birthfamily to assure herself they'd bettered their lives, and it hurt her to learn this was not the case.) Families who adopt often struggle with guilt or remorse, as well, feeling they should somehow be able to "make it up to" the grieving birthparents, and fearing the burden of an open, ongoing relationship with them if they can't. (And of course they can't, because the adoptive parents aren't the problem, just part of the solution, and sometimes that in itself is a target for a grieving parent's anger.) Yet we know that anger is one of the stages of grief, as is denial, bargaining, and sadness... and feeling those feelings is nothing any birthparent should have to apologize for, because "coming out with what (you) feel" is an important step in healing, a process that may take a lifetime. Healing doesn't mean you endorse a painful life experience you would never repeat, given the choice. It only means you reach a point where that pain isn't able to compromise any more of your life than it has already. And it empowers you to come to peace with yourself. I wish that for you, Jada, and for all the birthparents out there who wish they could say what you did, and that someone might actually listen and understand. Stand strong, girl, and keep searching for answers. We do care!

Dear Concerned, You are absolutely correct: adoption, by its very nature, does create painful fractures between children and their loving birthfamilies. This has been an age-old problem and one of adoptions' most agonizing effects. Adoption is the voluntary infliction of lifelong loss upon a child who has no say in the matter until much later--and historically, the resulting response of many adoptees was "how could you, the parents who were charged with providing for all my needs, deprive me of my very birthright--the need to know firsthand who I am and who I come from?" Openness in adoption has, therefore, become one of the most loving and compassionate ways we know to right those wrongs, for the ultimate good of the child. Done properly, it is healing and inclusive, like the reuniting of loved ones at a family picnic-- not damaging and divisive like joint custody arrangements in an angry divorce. It's not easy for the grownups, Concerned, and perhaps that's where the greatest hardship lies. It require being honest with children about their early life losses... acknowledging the sadness we all feel that their birthfamilies found themselves in such difficult circumstances.... maintaining relationships with the others who love our child as much as we do (and maybe more, since most of us can't fathom any circumstance under which we could put ourselves through the loss of a voluntary relinquishment... says something about us, doesn't it?) It's not easy, to be this selfless. Open adoption requires that we view love as a gift our children cannot get too much of. It requires that we not compound the loss already incurred in our child's life by the birthparent sacrifice which made our parenthood possible. To be capable of being such gracious adoptive parents requires much preparation, self-examination, learning, growth and maturity-- as well as the asking of many perplexing questions, such as the ones you raise. So thank you, for making the effort to understand what open adoption is and why it's so essential for healthy children! Keep on asking. And learning. It matters!

I'm not much into statistics, but I found this information rather interesting, about birthparents and the factors that influence adoption decisions nowadays...Plus, the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is an excellent source of information on all things adoption! Check it out: Birthparent Stats There are a couple things I don't agree with, such as the 1995 study which makes reference to "unwanted" children (I think Abrazo folk would argue that these children are very much wanted, or else their birthparents wouldn't put themselves through it all!) And I do think it's curious that this information fails to address the large number of married birthcouples and older birthmoms who successfully complete adoption plans each year. Why is it that teens are less likely to consider adoption? How can we in the adoption community find fresh, new ways to give them better access to information about this loving option for their babies' futures?

A good book we recommend for moms of birthmothers is Mary Lou Stephenson's "My Child Is A Mother," which is the real-life story of one woman's experience when her teenage daughter became pregnant and made a loving open adoption plan for her baby girl. Birthgrandmothers often find themselves in an awkward place when it comes to helping their sons and daughters through untimely pregnancies... they want the best for both their children and their grandchildren, but it can be heartbreaking to support adoption knowing this "solution" will require very painful losses in their own son or daughter's life, even for the good of the child involved. Mary Lou Stephenson's story is important to us all because it helps illustrate the healing powers of open adoption over the years, when promises are kept and birthrelationships are honored, and it reminds us that honoring the best interests of the adopted child requires everyone to work together, not just until placement but for the lifetime of that child, happily ever after.

This is such a good question! I think perhaps that once folks do adopt, the agony of the wait that preceded the experience becomes a distant memory... but knowing when the time is right is such an important quandry...! (Or is there truly a "right time" at all? And who's to say? And what if both members of a couple are not "in the same place at the same time" on this, as so often happens? Probably only you can know which answers are right for you.) Yet, waiting to be sure and saving up in advance is important, since you have to budget not just for adoption but for the realities of ever-increasing expenses afterwards...(diapers, daycare, Disney vacations, braces, teenage car insurance, prom dresses, etc!) As for pre-adoption readiness tasks, sounds like you're on the right track... study up now, because once the baby comes home, there's so little time for reading and parenting classes, in reality..! Being active in the Forum can help sensitize you to birthparents and open adoption issues... and do check out also the topic "Ups and Downs, Weathering the Wait" under "Parents-In-Waiting," which offers insights from folks already in the process and waiting for Placement Day... Anybody else have any ideas to share?

Maybe it might help to look at open adoption in terms of "relationships" and the learning curve that comes with them... just as very few folks enter the halls of successful matrimony through arranged marriages, the best placements start with trusting but fragile relationships which grow over time, as both parties learn together what a child needs. And that, after all, is what good adoptions are all about! (Some children, for example, need a lot of affirmation that the birthparents are an active, welcome and involved part of their lives, because it answers those identity cravings that beg to know that "where I'm from is an acceptable component of who I am." Other children, however, may seem pretty disinterested in birthrelatives, seemingly reflecting their birthparents' lack of need for ongoing contact, yet may actually start acting out these needs in adolescence...) You don't know, when you walk down the aisle, exactly how frequent your weekly or monthly communication with your new in-laws may be, nor they can they tell you for sure, not knowing what the future holds or how these life changes may affect everyone, but there's usually an understanding that "as family" everyone will work together to meet the needs of all, if possible. Same with openness. The best news, perhaps, Smitty, is that you don't have to carry the frustration or confusion or anger you may be feeling right now as you approach this process all the way through (nor should you!) Through orientation, through readings (such as sugarfamily suggested), through the wisdom and perspective of Forum friends such as K.T. and Jada and Lisa2 and all the other wonderful folks trying to help you here, you too can ride that learning curve to a new level of insight that transforms openness into a blessing to be welcomed and not a battle to be fought. And if it just doesn't seem like something that fits, feel free to check out also your other options out there! because finding a good fit is essential, whether it's a matter of choosing the right program or committing to the right birth match or (ultimately) becoming the best parent you can be. As we tell folks at Abrazo, "open adoption isn't just how you get a baby into your home, it's about how you live your lives once that child is there." And that is surely much too important to be simply left to chance!

I wonder, sometimes, if there aren't two different schools of thought in this process. (Or more!) It seems that the world at large looks at adoption as an alternative "baby supply source" for couples that want to become parents but cannot due to medical or other reasons... but for those who work in adoption over a long period of time and witness the losses the process imposes on children, many come to view adoption as the marriage of two unrelated families for the good (and future benefit) of one very loved child. (Which is why experts like Rueben Pannor, Annette Baran, Jim Gritter, Sharon Kaplan Roszia and others who began their careers doing closed adoptions now fight that concept so fiercely.) Historically, the process was terrifically unfair--juxtaposing the "haves" (aps) and the "have nots" (bps) and shielding the one from the other. But over time, with the input of thousands of adopted persons now grown, and with the shortage of responsible bioparents willing to relinquish parental rights to unknown "others" with no more than some agency's bland seal of approval, roles (and rights) have begun to shift. Now, hopefully, adopting parents and birthfamilies are beginning to see each other as equal participants in this process which initiates a lifelong relationship, for the good of the child involved. There are no college or grad courses on how to do good adoption casework, or how to do effectively homestudies, or how to see beyond those who "talk the talk" to be sure you place only with those who "walk the walk" after placement, just as there are no crystal balls on social workers' desks enabling them to determine the true intentions of everyone who enters the adoption process, be they birthparents or adopting. I like to think that the open adoption process offers children another layer of protection because of the depth of honesty required between parties to make it work. There are no perfect adoptive families, no more than there are perfect birthparents or even perfect children. (In fact, we worry about applications or homestudies that seem "too" perfect--they're rarely reliable. And in all my years of adoption work, I've never yet run across a birthparent who is seeking "perfect" parents for her child; simply good people willing to work at being good parents!) I think that "perfect" open adoptions generally entail imperfect people who commit to being "in relationship", for better or worse, through good times and bad, out of respect for the children involved, so those kids have ongoing access to the love of both families--which has the added benefit of strengthening your roles as Mom and Dad, ironically! All relationships are subject to occasional conflicts, differences of opinion, etc. But how we work through them, as extended family, teaches our children how to also do so effectively. It empowers them to be proud of their adoption stories with a crucial foundation of trust supporting every aspect of who they are. Easier said than done, to be sure, but well worth it all in the end!

So what's the best and worst advice out there on how (and when or if) to break the news to family members about an unplanned pregnancy and/or an adoption plan? We had an interesting birthparent support group meeting recently about the differences between keeping secrets vs. honoring one's own privacy... about birthparents' varying boundaries with regards to who they choose to tell or not tell and why... any thoughts or words of wisdom from the peanut gallery on this topic? Birthgrandparents, give us your 2 cents as well!

Gabbi, I know you are probably feeling pretty overwhelmed with questions about now, and if you think it might help to talk with a professional or sit down with a objective counselor who's trained to listen, call our office and we'd be happy to help you sort through your options and put together a plan that feels right to you (whether or not that includes adoption). Your questions are good ones! Maybe more birthparents on the Forum can offer you insight from their own experiences, so you can learn from others who've been where you are and can tell you how it was for them. You're not alone! Catrina, thanks for offering the kind of listening and friendship that only another birthmom can! And Teresa, if you and Danny are interested in pursuing your biggest dream, perhaps you'd like to apply to become Abrazo parents-in-waiting, thus joining the ranks of great families like Shawn and Jill, who are going to make fabulous parents--not if, just when! Gabbi, we're glad you found us! because the Abrazo community is a caring family like no other. Keep on thinking this over and let us know if we can help.

Hey, cheering guy! Thanks for posting that article... very interesting... Texas Family Code says that longterm incarceration of a bio-parent can also constitute grounds for involuntary termination of rights, but it appears from information Abrazo's attorney recently forwarded that this is probably something which could be challenged rather easily?

Hi, Leslie! Welcome to the Forum! Your post was so good, I'm copying it to a couple other places (and goodness knows, with a little tribe of three impeccably behaved children, you know from whence you speak!) Incidentally, aside from "Twenty Things Adopted Children Wish their Parents Knew," "Color of Water" and "Dear Birthmother", I have to tell you, Annie Lamott's "Operating Instructions" is one of my lifetime, personal favporites (see also "Traveling Mercies" by her) and I am so glad you shared her with the rest of my favorite families! Thanks! Love, Elizabeth

Psst! Three orientation groups just moved closer to completion... The Charlotte Six Pack (3/00) just added a fifth... Twelve Couples & A Baby (9/00) has three new additions... and Families-on-The-Ground (11/00) folks get to send out their very first baby gift..! But we're not telling who's who- y'all need to check in with your compadres to learn whose good news to celebrate! And if you're still waiting and hoping, your turn is coming, so keep the faith! :wink: