marthaj

Dear Aunt 2b, Have your sister and her husband taken placement yet, or are they just in the beginning stages of the adoption process?? My guess is once that little baby is in their arms and welcomed into the family, there won't be any difference between one grandchild and the other. Perhaps your father just hasn't gotten use to the idea yet. I suggest you maintain a positive attitude about it within the family, and just try to ignore the negative attitudes and comments. His attitude may change completely once he sees their joy and happiness. I'm glad you found the Forum, where we exist to encourage and support one another through all aspects of the adoption process! Good luck, and please come back often!

I'm bringing this topic back to the forefront because I found a story which fits beautifully. It is one birthmother's story, as told in the October 2003 issue of Parents magazine. (Don't know why I didn't discover this earlier...the magazine was on the bottom of the pile I'm beginning to sort through!!) I'm posting the article in its entirety. "I CHOSE ADOPTION FOR MY BABY" a birthmother describes the heartbreak of parting with the child she had grown to love. By Jennifer Davidson When I discovered I was pregnant six years ago, I was single, immature, jobless, and still in college. I didn't know at the time what it meant to be a good mother, but I was wise enough to realize that the life I could offer my child was not what I wanted for him. Four months into my pregnancy, I decided to place my baby for adoption. A friend suggested I look into an open adoption, in which a birthmother can choose the parents for her child and maintain contact with them over the years. I knew immediately that this was the right choice for me. I discussed the idea with my ex-boyfriend, the baby's father, who said he would support whatever decision I made. I looked in the Yellow Pages for attorneys and called several before settling on a woman who sounded great on the phone. I met her, and over the next few days I pored over dozens of resumes from prospective parents. All of the couples seemed kind and loving, but something about the pictures of Michael and Renee stood out. They looked wholesome and genuine; I instantly felt connected. A few days later, I met them for dinner, and I knew that they were the ones I wanted for my child. Before we left the restaurant, I asked them to be my baby's parents. The next six months brought us closer than I'd ever imagined possible. We became constant companions: we met each other's families, shared dinners and shopping trips. Michael and Renee accompanied me to my obstetrician visits and were my coaches in Lamaze class. The three of us discussed baby names, and they were with me in the delivery room when Colin Dean, 6 lbs and 13 oz was born. I felt on top of the world. My baby was beautiful and in my arms. He had two mothers who loved him and who believed he made the earth spin. It was a euphoric moments for all of us -- and then it was time to go home. ***************** I still have the crumpled tissues from those final moments with my son tucked away in a tiny satin bag. They hold the saddest tears I have ever cried. After leaving the hospital, I sat in the parking lot with empty arms, watching Renee calm my crying baby with her gentle "Hush" as she made her way toward her car. The sight of them driving off was more than I could bear. I went home with an empty womb to an empty bed. That night, I clutched the thin receiving blanket that had been wrapped around my son, praying that the smell of him would last forever. For weeks, I refused to remove my hospital bracelet or my toenail polish from the day he was born. The plan that had seemed so well thought out, so carefully considered, meant nothing to my heart. All I knew was that I was a mother without my child. I immediately returned to school and to a demanding new job. My goal was to stay so busy that I wouldn't be able to dwell on the pain. Yet I could think of nothing but Colin. For months, I found myself returning to the places I had gone when I was pregnant -- places where I could still feel my son's presence. All that year, my life revolved around visits to Renee and Michael's home, where I could cuddle my son to remind him of my voice and the feel of my body. The bittersweet joy of our closeness was tempered by my heartbreak: I watched as his home became filled with toys I had not selected, baby gadgets I didn't know how to use, and pictures of my child with people I'd never met. On the awful day that my son tried to claw his way out of my arms and back into the safe harbor of Renee's, I felt that my sacrifice was just too much. ************************ Shortly after Colin's first birthday, Michael and Renee told me they were leaving California and moving back to Colorado, where they'd lived previously. This marked a real turning point for me: I knew I had to either sink or swim. It took several more years of tears and struggling to figure out what healing might feel like, but finally I have reached a place where I am comfortable. Michael, Renee, Colin and I are still a family. We talk regularly, and we exchange cards, pictures and little gifts. When I married a great man four years ago, Michael and Renee were there, and Colin was our ring bearer. They also flew out for the birth of my daughter, Georgia, three years ago. For Colin's last birthday, I wrote a poem about an adventure he and I had shared when I was 7 months pregnant with him. A few days after I sent it, Renee called to say how much the poem meant to him. She then told me, for the first time, about a special collection that Colin keeps on a shelf next to his bed: all of the cards, letters and pictures that I've been sending since the day he was born. It dawned on me then, in the most profound way, that I had succeeded in building a bridge between me and my son; I had found a way to connect to him and to remind him always of my unconditional love. Despite the fact that I'm not with him day to day, Colin is growing up with the understanding that I am a vital part of him. In his history, his heritage, his face, and slices of his character, there I am. I know I will always be involved in Colin's life as we continue to define my place in his world, and his in mine. Though the pain of giving up my baby will never completely fade, I am comforted knowing that my choice has given my son the best life possible. Finally, I am at peace and can only smile at what the future holds.

Happy, happy birthday to my dear friend Judy, and happy 6th birthday to Catherine! I am truly blessed, with a friendship lasting over 20 years, and a daughter to love forever.

This one is a classic! It is truly timeless, providing wisdom for all generations! YOUR CHILD If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

To My Precious Children (and all the children of our world) by Gary Neuman I know what's important now. I haven't used a bathroom in peace for years. I've taxied children to violin, swimming, baseball, hockey, piano, parties. I've run through the streets drenched with sweat, holding the back of a child's bicycle. I've jumped with sheer joy when I let go and saw that bike continue on its own! I've had children's songs race through my mind for hours at a time I've romantically danced with my spouse to Barney tunes I've built castles, pizza, tunnels and mud pies at the beach I've pushed a swing a million times I've cupped the small, warm fingers of my child in my hand I've crept into my children's rooms to watch them sleep. I've found my shoes fifty feet from where I left them, filled with little men, pennies and tissues I've made my children cry and have cried for them I've dressed moving targets I've checked for monsters under beds and in closets I've spent nights with bottles, medicines, sheet changes after accidents, diapers and hugging scared children after nightmares. I've changed over three thousand diapers I've gotten goose bumps while watching the smiling faces of my children I've stayed in the most luxurious hotels alone, anxious to get back home I've prayed....a lot. Now, don't get me wrong. There have been moments I've dreamt of luxuriating baths and exquisite sleep with a quiet, long breakfast while reading a whole dry newspaper. I've remembered having money in my pocket I've longed to be bored I've wished that kid would stop poking me in my sleep. But I am a parent, see, and I know what's important now. (As printed in "Viewpoints on Parenting" Vol. 3, Issue No. 1)

This prayer was published at our church (Prince of Peace Catholic Church, San Antonio) as a blessing for the new school year. PRAYER FOR OUR CHILDREN Lord, giver of light, life and hope, you have entrusted your children to our care. We cherish their love and their energy for life. Help us to help them be people of strength, character and integrity. Share with us the wisdom that will shape their minds. Share with us the love that will guide their hearts. Share with us the courage that will shape their future. Be the light that guides them and us to your glory and goodness. Amen

I wanted to share this story about a special friendship, and how God has blessed this friendship through a very special gift. My dear friend Judy in Michigan hand made a quilt for Catherine as a baby gift. I know a lot of new parents receive blankets and quilts for baby, but there is a special story behind this one. Judy and I worked together in 1982-83, when I was a Lieutenant in the U.S. Air Force at K. I. Sawyer AFB near Marquette, MI and she was a civilian secretary in my squadron. When I PCS'd to Germany in 1983, we began a written correspondence that has lasted over 20 years!! When I first wrote her about pursuing our dream to adopt, she signed up for a quilt making class (all in secret, of course!) She began a "reverse" quilt (the 2 sides are different patterns). She certainly had plenty of time to work on it, as we attended the September 1997 Abrazo Parents-in-Waiting Orientation, and Catherine wasn't born until 12 months later, on September 28, 1998! Now, as the book of Ecclesiastes in the Holy Bible proclaims, there is a time and a purpose to everything under heaven, including "a time to be born" (Ecclesiastes 3:2). What makes this story so very, very special to me is that CATHERINE WAS BORN ON JUDY'S BIRTHDAY! Yes, there was most definitely a reason behind our year long wait. It's almost as if the Lord looked down and saw my friend's heart and said...this will be a most precious gift, not only for the baby but for the quilt maker herself!! And Judy, being her most humble self, did not even share this with me until a couple years later...when she sent Catherine a birthday card and remarked that she will always remember Catherine's birthday because it is the same day as her own. So now this day is twice blessed. I have the blessing of remembering the birthday of a forever friend as I also celebrate my daughter's birthday...all linked together through the gift of a quilt of blessings.

Jean, Your response is just beautiful and very eloquently said! Yes, we found hope through Abrazo too, after other agencies disqualified me because I was over 40. Thank you for sharing your experience!

Just a quick clarification please...it seems whenever I share the fact of Catherine's adoption with others, there is always someone who knows someone who has a friend (you get the picture!) who either has adopted or is thinking about adopting. Sometimes those friends are single professional women. How is the infertility question applied to singles? Do singles have to have a doctor's assessment as well? I know there have been celebrity singles who adopted as singles...then later married and had bio children (Michelle Pfieffer is one of those folks.) I'm sure this question has come up before. What is the criteria for single, divorced or widowed persons vs married couples? Thanks!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs 16:3 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

It must have taken great courage for you to come forward and ask for advice and support. I can "hear" the concern in your voice, for both your daughter and her unborn child. You have definitely come to the right place. We are a community of concerned, caring individuals who are here to support and encourage one another through life's many challenges. I sense that you are still in a state of "shock" or even "denial" (how can this be happening to us...to our family!) What you are feeling is certainly normal. It's what you do with those feelings that really matter. (i.e. Do you "punish" your daughter in some way, or do you express your love and support for her through this difficult time?) I have some suggestions on how you can support your daughter in the coming months... If your daughter is still in (high) school, there are services available through your school district to help accomodate her to continue her education throughout her pregnancy. (Please do not be "ashamed" to call...they've heard it all before!!) Here is San Antonio, there is even an alternative school for young mothers that provides child care services, so that the baby or toddler can be cared for in a safe and nurturing environment and the mother can continue her education and graduate with her high school diploma. Some high schools provide evening classes for young parents who must work during the day. Many religious groups (such as Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services, for example) can also provide free counselling and services. The best place to start is a phone call to your area school district or religious organization. They are sometimes the best place to provide counselling and referral services. I know it sounds trite...but you are not the first parent to be confronted with an unplanned pregnancy, and you won't be the last. Please use those counsellings services and available resources. And please know that you have a caring, supportive community here on the Forum who will listen. Take care and my best wishes for you and your family.

The remaining orientation weekends for 2004 are listed under Forum Topic/Title: The Abrazo Forum -> Adoptive Parents -> Orientation Weekends, The Whens and Whats The post is dated Jan 29, 2004. Be sure and check with the Abrazo office for confirmation just in case the orientation weekend dates have been rescheduled for some reason. Good luck!

Hi Rick and Julie, I have a fantastic book to recommend. I bought it 6 years ago when we were Parents-In-Waiting, so I hope it's still available. If it's not on the shelves, maybe your local book store can order a copy. It's titled "The Story of David, How we created a family through open adoption" by Dion Howells (who is the adoptive father) with Karen Wilson Pritchard 1997, published by Delacorte Press The adoption took place in 1992 when open adoption was still largely misunderstood. Against the advice of adoption professionals, the adoptive parents formed a bond with their birthmother that was truly groundbreaking. With open arms they welcomed the birth mother into every aspect of their lives. (Tragically the birth father was killed in a motorcycle accident while David was still a baby.) There are pictures in the book of the birthmom, Nancy, at David's baptism, first birthday party, and during weekend visits. The birthmom was even included in the Howells' first family portrait (the picture of which appears on the book jacket cover.) I first learned of this book while watching The Gayle King Show in Oct 1997. (At that time, David was 5 years old.) David, his adoptive parents, Dion and Carey, his birthmother Nancy and Nancy's mother Marilou were all guests on the show to share their open adoption journey. They went beyond open adoption to create an extended family that includes the birthmom, her new husband and child, and David's maternal grandmother. The most touching moment in that show came when David's bio-grandmother Marilou revealed that she had herself placed a child for adoption during the 1960's when records were sealed. It was clear to all that Marilou still grieves for the child she never knew, and is still reliving the pain even today, more than 30 years later. And so it was that the Howell's have written David's story, to provide a blueprint for the kind of open adoption that is possible when everyone puts the child's best interests first. (Sounds just like an Abrazo story, doesn't it, except Abrazo wasn't yet an agency in 1992 and the events took place in Ohio.) If you can't find a copy in Corpus Christi, let me know. I'll go over to Borders Bookstore here in San Antonio, where I originally purchased the book, and see if they still have it in stock or if they can order it. It was about $20 at the time. Take care and keep the faith!

I received this e-mail from a mom in my Mother's Enrichment Group, and I thought I'd pass it on as "food for thought." THE 'L I T T L E' THINGS After Sept 11th, one company invited the remaining members of other companies who had lost their offices in the attack on the Twin Towers to share their available office space. At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why these people were alive....and all the stories were just "the little things." >>The head of the company got in late that day because his son started kindergarten... >>Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts... >>One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time... >>One was stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident... >>One of them missed his bus... >>One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change... >>One's car wouldn't start... >>One went back to answer the telephone... >>One had a child who dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have... >>One couldn't get a taxi... >>Another man put on a new pair of shoes that morning, and took the various means to get to work on time. But, before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today. Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone...all the ' little things ' that annoy me... I think to myself "This is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment." Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every red light, don't get mad or frustrated. God is at work watching over you! May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

Oh yes, I forget to add Mexican restaurants and pitchers of margaritas to the Friday night line-up. Now Mexican night for us is Taco Cabana (our local Tex-Mex fast food chain). It really is fast, the food is fresh and hot, and most of all it's inexpensive!!

Hi Sugarfamily, We had been married 8 years when we brought our Abrazo babe home. (She's 5 1/2 now and we'll celebrate our 14th anniv in August). Get ready for some changes, because after 10 years of being together some of your old habits and ways of doing things are definitely in for some big changes!!! Like, a Friday night out for us before being parents would have included a nice Italian restaurant or steak house, a carafe of wine, and maybe a late movie showing, or an outdoor jazz concert in the summertime. Now a night out includes game tokens and happens at a place called Peter Piper Pizza or Chuck E Cheese!!! Before we were parents, if we were expecting company, I would vacuum all the carpeting, mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and just generally spit and polish every inch of the house, to include bathroom mirrors. Now we just try to pick up enough clutter to clear a path from the front door to the living room. The bathroom mirrors get cleaned when we can no longer find our reflection in them!!! And...oh well why take all the fun out of it for you...you'll discover this out for yourselves soon enough!! Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!!!

Dear Dreamer, Am I right in assuming your in-laws have other, biological grandchildren?? Therefore they may feel it necessary to make a "distinction." Hopefully, in time that feeling will fade. When Catherine was first born and we brought her home, I felt I had to explain that we had just adopted her...especially since I got so many comments from strangers on how quickly I'd lost my "pregnancy weight"!!!!!!!!!!!! My in-laws dote on Catherine because she is their only grandchild. I think sometimes they forget she is adopted, because they'll say something like "She's so much like her Aunt Lori was at this age" or "She looks just like....(someone else in the family)!! Or another tact to try...if you are with your in-laws when they explain this, you might add "Yes, we are so blessed to have him/her in our lives through the miracle of adoption. After all, family is about relationship, not just biology, and we are so happy our son/daughter has such a loving relationship with his/her grandparents." Maybe after hearing this explanation a few times, your in-laws will realize that it is the quality of their relationship, not biological ties, that truly make one a "grand" grandparent!!!!!!! Be patient, and good luck!!

I have a personal experience to share. I've posted this before under a different Forum topic, but it's really most appropriate here. When I was a teenager (I grew up in W.Va.), I went to visit some of my dad's family in Ohio...it was about 1970, I think. Before I left on the Greyhound Bus, my mother cautioned me that my dad's cousin's daughter was adopted, but she didn't know it. My mom said "Don't say anything about (name withheld) being adopted because she doesn't know." Even then I thought it strange that everybody in the family knew about it except the one person that it affected the most...the adoptee. I also heard a radio show on Family Life Today a few years ago, about an adult adoptee who didn't learn on her adoption until she was well into middle age. Her a/mother had already died, and her a/father had alzheimers and was in a nursing home, when he began babbling one day about her being adopted, and her "secret" was out. Everything she believed about herself felt like a lie. Sadly, the adoption records are closed and sealed and she had been unsuccessful in locating any info about her birth family. The show brought out the point that the effects on adults who learn of their adoption as adults are much more devastating. When a child has been told the truth, he/she learns to accept that truth as just another part of his/her heritage. I believe truth and trust go hand and hand. Just my thoughts.

I'm going to resurrect this topic, because this has been on my mind a lot lately. Our initial desire was to adopt two children, but after having waited a year for Catherine to come to us (after having survived 3 failed adoption plans, that is) I just poured myself into nurturing her. A couple months before Catherine turned two, I actually picked up another application package from Abrazo, but found that the day to day routine of caring for a toddler left little time to fill out forms and paperwork, look up financial and bank records, make doctor's appointments for TB and blood tests, etc. and so the application went back into the envelope where it still sits, over three years later!! Now Catherine is 5 1/2, and will be starting kindergarten in August. Do I want to start over with diapers and late night awakenings? I will also turn 50 in September, and would a b/mother actually select a woman to parent her child who may actually be older than the birthmother's own mother??? (I don't look 49, and my husband is 8 years younger....) Should we just count our blessings (as a few family members have advised us to do) and be thankful for the daughter we have?? (Also, Catherine does have one full biological sister, and since it's been almost 5 years since we've heard from our b/mother, she could have married and had more children, giving Catherine several half-siblings.) Even if another adoption is not what God has planned for our lives, I do think it has changed my direction for the future, and I want to do something involving children and families....if not a paid job, then maybe volunteer work. So, I would be interested in hearing from other adoptive moms who are maybe struggling with this same decision, or asking birthmoms if age really does matter?? (After all, I became a first time mom at 44, after being told by other agencies earlier in the process that I was too old at 39! I will always be grateful to Abrazo for lifting the age barrier!! Any thoughts?

I was at our local library branch yesterday, and was looking for children's books for Catherine when one caught my eye. Scanning the titles, I caught the word "Adoption" in the title. I selected the book, entitled "Over the Moon, An Adoption Tale" by Karen Katz, 1997 Henry Holt and Co publishers. Ms Katz and her husband adopted a baby girl from Central America in 1991. Although this was a foreign adoption, the emotions she writes about are real to all of us..."The door opened and there was the baby all soft and small. At last she was in her new mommy's and daddy's arms. Over the top of the blanket two tiny eyes looked up at them, and the mommy and daddy looked back at her. Then they hugged her and hugged her -- at least a hundred times! They were so happy. Still, the new mommy and daddy were nervous. They had never taken care of a teeny-tiny baby before. But they fed her and changed her and played with her and bathed her. And before they knew it, their first day as a family was over, and they could not wait for the next one to begin." The book is beautifully illustrated with vibrant colors. In the author's note, Ms Katz writes "Having the opportunity to express the magic of adoption with paint and words is a great joy to me. It is my gift to our daughter and to the children and parents who have shared this journey." I recommend this little book whole heartedly to be shared with your children.

Hi Jonathan and Lisa You have come to the right place, for we all share your desires to be a parent (which is what brought us all to Abrazo in the first place) and we all had set backs along the way of some sort or another. You said you are finishing up your application. Is this your initial inquiry, or have you attended orientation already and are finishing up the package? Maybe you could work with Abrazo and attend one of the later orientations in 2004, that way you can continue to save money until that time. (Perhaps Uncle Sam will smile on you with a nice income tax refund! I know you're probably anxious to get started, so I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that a way will be provided. There is a saying, when the Lord closes one door, he opens another!

Dear Cathy, I would like to add my thoughts and perhaps some words of encouragement for you. I too struggled with your same decisions. At 39, married just 3 years, I started researching and talking to adoption agencies. I talked with Catholic Social Services, and they told me flatly I was already too old...they didn't work with anyone over 40. Another agency said I was a poor risk because of a previous divorce, and another because of our religion (ie, the birthmothers wouldn't select Catholic parents for their children in the Baptist bible belt....I'm not making this up.....this is exactly what we were told!!) So I began to think that a foreign adoption was our only choice. I attended an information session on China adoptions. The pictures of the beautiful Chinese baby girls left on the doorsteps of orphanages (due to China's one child policy) just broke my heart. But then there was the paperwork.....not just the agency forms, but also INS requirements, State Department approval, travel restrictions, criminal background checks, etc. I became very discouraged , because with my tendency to procrastinate, it would surely be another 5 years before I finished all the paperwork and requirements! I began to believe it just wasn't in my destiny to be a mother. Then, in 1997 my husband and I attended an Adoption Fair sponsored by my (then) employer, and we met Elizabeth and learned about Abrazo. My age, our religion and my previous marital failures no longer mattered. What mattered most was if we had the love and openness to work within the framework of an open adoption. We did and.............fast forward to the happy ending, I became a first time mom at age 44, and my daughter is now a happy and healthy curly haired 5 year old little dynamo!!!! So I would recommend going to a Barnes & Nobles or other bookstore, or even your public library and reading all you can about the requirements for foreign and domestic adoptions. Then, run (don't walk)....or rather fly (don't drive) to the next Abrazo Orientation Weekend. (there is no obligation to contract with the agency, and you can think of it as a weekend getaway to visit our beautiful city of San Antonio and have some authentic Mexican food.) Whichever path your journey may lead you, I wish you good luck and God's speed!