To the guy who may or may not be the babydaddy…

To the guy who may or may not be the babydaddy…

This is an open letter to the guy who may or may not be the babydaddy… to the man she allegedly slept with… to the one who sees himself as a player, who specializes in the hit-and-run kind of relationship with females who are too kind or too trusting to see him coming:

We see you. We know what you’re doing. (Even if we don’t necessarily know what you’re thinking…)

We’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt, and we’ll try to do so.

But we will not do so at the expense of our client and her baby.

We’ve heard her side of the story, and we know you have yours, too.

to-the-guy-who-may-or-may-not-be-the-babydaddyWhether you were just one of several guys with whom you suspect she may have slept, whether you were just having fun and never intended for a pregnancy to occur, whether you thought you or she could not get pregnant– the fact is, there is a baby and there needs to be a secure plan for that baby’s future.

And that’s the bottom line, at least the way see it.

We believe in fathers’ rights. And we believe in fathers who take responsibility for their children. We also believe there is a difference between making a baby and being a great dad. Some men do the first part well, some do the second part well, and some manage both. But not everybody is cut out to father well, and when fathers fail, it’s usually their kids that pay the biggest price.

Adoption isn’t always the best decision for every situation. But it is always an option worth considering if a child needs a loving and stable home with committed parents who are ready in every way to be his/her family forever.

What we can do for you…

We’re happy to listen, if you want to ever call us (or return our calls) or even stop by our office for a visit sometime?

In fact, we’ll even provide you with free counseling, if you have any interest in talking.

(That’s what we do, here. Along with adoptions and homestudies and case supervision.)

If you got a mother who is working with Abrazo pregnant (or if you’re being told that you did) and you want to be a part of our compassionate open adoption plans, we welcome your involvement.

Even if you and the babymama aren’t together anymore, if you truly are committed to the child’s best interests and want to be able to keep in contact with the adoptive family, we’ll welcome your participation.

If you want nothing to do with the mother, the adoption agency or the baby, we will regretfully respect your right to opt out. We won’t hound you. We won’t allow our adoptive family to be calling you without your consent. We’ll respect your privacy, to the extent that the law will allow you to not be involved, provided that is your choice.

But here’s what we won’t do.

We will not allow you to victimize any woman in our program by acting in a way that is abusive. (And that means physically-abusive or emotionally-abusive or verbally-abusive.) If you cannot talk to her (or about her or to us) in a way that is respectful (if not kind,) then stop talking. It’s that simple.

We will not put your needs before the best interests of the child in question. This may sound cold, and if so, we apologize. Yet we’ve known some guys over the years who have wanted to play games (with the babymama or with the agency staff) at the expense of the child, and that is never, ever acceptable. If you do not agree with the mother’s adoption plan, then exercise your right to get your own attorney and pursue your legal rights, but understand this: the child’s needs come first, in our book. And if Abrazo is the legal guardian of a child whose best interests clearly require that we protect his or her legal rights in court, please know that we will faithfully do that, to every extent that we are morally able to do so.

(Please keep in mind that you’re not the legal father until or unless you are recognized by law as the father. So if you are not legally married to the child’s mother or you’ve not yet been legally-adjudicated as the father in a court of law and you’re wanting to begin the process to claim paternity here in Texas, then start here. And do it now.)

Our agency does not pay for DNA nor paternity testing, unless the court orders that this be done. If you wish to pursue paternity tests after the birth, please make your own payment arrangements and obtain your own court order to compel the child’s caretaker to cooperate, whether that is the agency or somebody else.

Likewise, while the laws in Texas do allow Texas adoption agencies to help expectant mothers with basic living needs and to provide limited maternity assistance on the basis of documented need, we cannot pay your rent, groceries, clothing or other prenatal needs unless you can prove that you are the baby’s mother. (So… no. Take it up with the Texas Legislature if you think it’s not fair. We don’t make the laws but we absolutely do follow them.)

Finally: we will not enable you to use an open adoption as a ploy to get her back, nor to get back at her. If your relationship is over, it is not appropriate to use the child nor the adoptive family as an excuse to try to rekindle that relationship. Don’t ask the agency or adoptive family to relay messages to her for you and don’t pump either of us for information, because we will respect her privacy– just as we will yours.

We know the old saying: “mama’s baby, papa’s maybe.” We understand that neither laws nor adoption practices have always been kind to birthfathers, and it’s not our intent to deprive any committed and proven father of access to a child he loves and/or is fully prepared to parent exceptionally.

See, we’ve “been places and seen things” over the past 23 years, and at Abrazo, we believe that children’s needs are best met when parents set aside their own agendas and issues and agree to work together to put what a child needs first, no matter what.

So our advice to the guy who may or may not be the babydaddy is this: let’s agree to deal respectfully with each other (whatever your relationship with the babymama may be) and let’s work to find solutions that honor the child involved– whatever that ultimately may mean?

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