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My Son/Daughter Is Adopting!


ElizabethAnn

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Welcome, new grandparents-to-be! What an exciting time for you and your family. We know that adoption has changed alot over the years, and it's so important that you and your extended family learn all you can, so that you can support your son and/or daughter better as they move closer to parenthood.

We have a special way of talking about adoption these days, called "positive adoption language," which we encourage you to learn and use now, so that your future grandchild grows up in a family that helps him or her feel good about who they are and how they came to be part of your family tree. (Ask your son or daughter about this lingo--our Forum members will be happy to offer some gentle pointers, as well.)

We realize that many folks start with lots of questions and concerns about what their loved ones are "getting into," about open adoption and how it works, about the legalities and the costs and the process and all. We know that some of your relatives may have mixed emotions about adoption issues, and maybe you do, too. Perhaps you have witnessed the pain that infertility has caused your child and you worry about wanting to protect them from more disappointment. Or maybe you've been through the adoption process before and have some wisdom and insight to share.

Whatever your thoughts, whichever stage of the process your son or daughter are in, we encourage you to visit here as much as you'd like, post questions and offer insights. Helping you learn about adoption is the first step you can take in helping welcome home a precious new grandchild and let us be the first to offer you our best wishes on this special quest.

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  • 1 month later...

I think "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin would be excellent for anyone--especially family members--to read. It really helps to dispel the myths about birthparents and adoption. It also deals with adoptive parent issues like infertility and the realities of adoptive parenthood. Probably not all of it would benefit relatives, but it is a great introduction to open adoption. Hope this helps! I'm sure your family members who are adopting or have adopted appreciate the efforts you make to educate yourself--and others--on their behalf! :D

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Lois M.

Our daughter and her husband are trying to adopt.   We know it is in the works.   But we don't ever know how it is going.   We would like to ask.    Yet, we don't want to be too nosy.   How does a relation know, when it is right to ask about it and what do you say???

Thank You,

Lois + Frank

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Depending on the kind of relationship you have with your daughter and son-in-law, I think just expressing your interest in what is going on with them in their adoption journey is the best way to begin.  If you're comfortable doing this face-to-face, then you might just tell them you want them to know that you're interested and want to be supportive in whatever way you can -- that opens the door for them to talk but it doesn't put pressure on them like asking a bunch of questions would.  If you're not comfortable doing this face-to-face, then maybe writing them a letter or sending them a card would be the best way to open up a dialogue.  You also might consider buying them an adoption book (or maybe even a child's book about adoption for the baby-to-come!) and sending that to them as an expression of love and support.

Sometimes prospective APs are afraid to talk about what is going on with them for fear of criticism, disapproval, "I told you so" attitudes, or just because it's an emotional time for everyone involved.  As interested grandparents-to-be, offering non-judgmental support during this process can go a long ways towards helping your daughter and her husband weather the ups and downs involved in adoption.  I think the fact that you want to be involved is wonderful!

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Hi Lois M,

Welcome to the forum.  I think that is always a tricky one...I am a mother through adoption (my husband and I experienced 4 years of infertility and adopted a beautiful baby girl through Abrazo in December 2002).  Anyway, even for me I'm never sure whether it's okay to ask friends who are in the adoption process how things are going - and I've been there...so I can imagine it is really a grey area for you...I just wanted to tell you how wonderful it is to read how sensitive you are to their feelings - that means a lot!!  That could be one way to go - explain that you know this could be a sensitive subject so you're reluctant to ask how things are going or a status but you want them to know you're always interested in hearing anything they're willing to share...even if it's that nothing is going on (a lot of the adoption process is just the "waiting" where there's really nothing happening and you're just waiting in anticipation for something to happen).  Anyway - you could explain that you didn't want them to think that by you not asking means that you're not interested...you're just trying to be respectful of what could be an emotional discussion and topic for them....does that make sense?  That way, if they're open to discussion - they'll probably give you an earful (I always LOVED talking about what was going on with us - even if it was nothing - it was like an outlet for me...but this isn't always the case with some people...for me though - I didn't always talk about it because I wasn't sure who was really interested and who was bored by my endless talking and talking and talking about our future baby).  And if they're not - they'll be touched that you showed that you are interested and you do care and you care enough to let them initiate the conversation when it's comfortable for them.

But I know - you want to know what's going on...just the other day, I sent an e-mail to a friend who is in the process of adopting baby #2 and they're about 6 months into it and I haven't heard anything in probably 3 months - last I heard, they were going to talk to a birthmother then I never heard anything else...I figured if that had worked out, she would have told me but I was still curious about how things were going.  I debated on whether or not to ask (especially in an e-mail...that seems so impersonal) and nosy me, I went ahead and just worded it like, "I've been thinking of y'all and wondering if you've talked to any other birthparents and how things are going".  But - I know she's really anxious to adopt so sometimes, these kinds of questions from others can just be a slap in the face that there's nothing going on...but I took my chances (we're really close friends...)...especially since she knows I've been there.

So, those are my 2 cents for what it's worth...

Please feel free to keep posting... I hope you'll find us helpful...

-Lisa

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Lois & Frank,

Hi and welcome to the forum!  I think it is so great that you are interested.  My husband and I just took placement of our little Andrew in October after years of infertility and much heartache.  We went directly into adoption after infertility which we preplanned in case the fertility failed so it was not a way to forget the pain.  It was a way for us to have a family!  When we went through the fertility we shut ourselves off from everyone in the end.  We called, said the tests were negative, and we did not want to talk to anyone.  Everyone was so scared to even call for over a week and we talk to our family all the time.

When the adoption stuff started everyone was apprehensive about talking to us.  My mother would just ask if there was any news.  I guess that was her way of asking enough without getting me too worked up (which she would have not done).  I loved to talk about it!  My mother-in-law was so cute.  She asked if it was ok for her to talk to one of her student's parents that have adopted all 4 of her children.  I told her of course!!  I let her look at some of my books (The Open Adoption Experience), but she had just lost her husband within the past 2 months so that book was a little hard for her to take.  I ended up telling her about adoption stories on Discovery Health and she loved watching them.  She got to see the happy stories and a touch of the emotions.  It was a good introduction for her.

I think you could bring up the subject with your children in so many ways!  Mention you are interested in learning about open adoption, are interested in their progress, or even not say anything and send them a subscription to an adoption magazine.  They will know it is from you and that could start up the conversation if they want to talk about it.  

I do understand the not talking.  I loved to run my mouth all the time, but my husband Jimmy was a little more closed mouthed.  He only talked to select people and not too often.  I think one of the things that got him to open a little in the short time we had to wait was that he was telling his boss that he would have to be out of town some time in the future (near or far) and why.  It turns out that his boss was adopted and they talked about it.  That to me was one of the neatest things about going through this process was just how many people's lives adoption has touched!

Well, good luck!  I am sorry for the rambling.  Hopefully your family will want to talk about it, but if not then you can learn on your own; pray for them, the birthparents, and the baby; and wait for the great news because it will happen!  

I will keep your daughter and son-in-law in my prayers!

Lisa V

(Andrew's Mommy)

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Great question Lois! Before we chose to work with Abrazo, we pursued adoption independently and with a local agency for about a year. Sometimes when people would ask me how it was going I wanted to scream! I didn't feel this way so much with close family, but there was a part of me that thought, "if there was anything to tell you, I'd tell you." It was such a waiting game, and I felt like people were thinking, "What is taking so long?!" I know that's what I was thinking! (Of course after we matched with our son's birthmother, it was a whole different story. I was so excited I wanted to talk about it all the time.)

I think it's great that you are being sensitive to your daughter and her husband's feelings and privacy. I think showing your support by listening when they do talk and supporting their choices will make them more likely to talk to you about it. You might also send a note or card letting them know how excited you are that they are pursuing adoption and about being a grandparent. About a year after we adopted our son, my sister and her husband began pursuing adoption. I bought her a stuffed bear and a baby gown just to let her know that I was excited, I supported her, and I knew it would happen--not "if but when." I guess that's what meant the most to me is when family members showed their support of the fact that we would be parents one day and that they were excited to welcome our baby into our family. Another friend of mine who is pursuing adoption was given a baby shower by her family. It meant a lot to her that they were treating her as if she was expecting and already giving her things she would need. Of course, they asked her if she would like the shower first. Sometimes people who are adopting feel weird about having a shower. But if they've ever been to an orientation weekend at Abrazo, they are encouraged to get their nursery ready and prepare for their child...because it will happen!

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  • 7 months later...
Guest Grandma Grandma

I think it's important to try to get communication going. You can base your response on what is being said to you. ALWAYS be suppportive-if you can't because of your own issues, then don't say anything. As an adoptive parent as well as an adoptive grandmother I really feel the more communication the better, even through the hard times.... Grandma Grandma

P.S. Thank you Elizabeth for giving me the thrill of a lifetime-I'm trying to talk my husbanf into a 5 hour commute as I e-mail this. (I'd only be 71 when the 8 month old graduated high school, that's not so bad- is it?)

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  • 2 weeks later...

FYI - a good book for relatives of adopting couples is "Adoption is a Family Affair". I got it for my parents and sister when we decided to adopt, and it helped them understand the process a little better. It also covers positive adoption language, which is very important to know as your grandchild grows up.

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  • 6 months later...

We had a lovely set of grandparents in the office yesterday, accompanying their daughter and son-in-law to their first meeting with the new baby in the family! so Stork Central thought it might be helpful to post some advice for other relatives who plan to travel with new parents for placement.

1) Dress comfortably! Nothing's fancy down here, and a lot of what goes on is "hurry up and wait" so whether you're going to a hospital or to the office, wear flat shoes, bring along reading, and remember your camera.

2) Be prepared to meet the birthparents! Abrazo encourages adopting parents and birthparents to spend plenty of time together with the baby especially after placement, so if you plan to be a part of this time, learn to use appropriate adoption language, make eye contact and don't be afraid to say "thank you!" and offer hugs and affirmation to grieving young women (and men) whose own family members may not be as supportive.

3) Urge your son or daughter to "do for" their new baby, themselves! Be there to offer advice and to cuddle/feed/change baby when asked, but remember, they've waited a long time to become a mommy and daddy, and they need plenty of encouragement, and time to practice!

Hey, you out there! What pointers would you add to this list?

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  • 1 month later...

What a great list, Elizabeth! My parents didn't go with us to San Antonio, but were there at our home the minute we got back. What meant the most to us was:

1) My mom kept telling me what a natural mother I was. I can't tell you how much that meant to me - it not only made me feel like all we went through to become parents was so worth it, but it also gave me a lot of confidence in an area (parenting) I knew very little about! It was good to know I could trust my instincts and that my own mom thought I was doing a good job despite my ignorance. tongue.gif

2) My parents took care of our meals for the first few days, even if it just meant making sandwiches or bringing in take-out. That took a huge burden off me (oh, and they also did the dishes, which took the burden off Scott!).

3) They offered to look after Jenna for a few hours one afternoon so Scott and I could go out and spend time alone together. It was such a treat to be able to just go out to lunch with the hubby and talk about our feelings about everything that had transpired over the previous week! That time enabled us to get refreshed and ready for the sleepless nights ahead!

Linda

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  • 6 months later...

GUIDELINES FOR VISITING BIRTHPARENTS & BABY IN HOSPITAL:

1) Before the visit, be sure to read the book "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin or a similar guide, so that you have a clear understanding of how open adoptions work and so that you are prepared to use "positive adoption language" in speaking with the birthparents.

2) Remember that no adoption decision can be legally made until the baby is at least 2 days old, so your role and that of the prospective adoptive parents is to be at the hospital only as a support person for the mother, and not as the new relatives of the baby. Hospitals generally do not welcome anyone but the biological mother into the nursery, so contact visits with the child must occur in the mother's room, and care should be taken by visitors to be respectful of the mother's rights and not "step in" to do feedings or change diapers or hold the infant without the mother's approval.

3) Keep in mind that adoption laws prohibit coercion or duress or inducement in the making of a birthparent's surrender decision, so be careful not to say or do anything that could in any way place pressure or guilt upon the birthparents with regards to the decision they make for their child.

4) Keep visits short, and offer to step out if the birthparents have relatives or guests arrive, as they may or may not have told their friends and family members what their placement plans are.

5) Make no demands or requests of hospital staff. Hospital personnel can be very sensitive when adoption plans are going on, and tend to be very protective of the patient's rights.

6) When taking photos, ask the birthparents for permission first, and include them in the shot unless they ask to be left out of it.

7) Small gifts (i.e., candy, flowers) are fine to bring, but remember that state laws prohibit any "gifts of value" or cash contributions or direct payments of expenses in adoption plans.

8) After placement, send the agency a card or note for the birthparent, thanking them for including you in that special time in the hospital and assuring them that the baby is much loved by your family and that the birthparents are in no way forgotten.

(Anybody else out there have pointers or ideas to add?)

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Thanks Elizabeth for those words of advice on hospital etiquette. Marcelo and I need to remember that every situation is different and just because our Birthmother gave us the opportunity to be part of everything during her hospital stay, not all Birthparents may feel this way.

I think the most important thing is to give your Birthparent's the freedom to make the decisions that are most comfortable for them with zero pressure. Our Birthmother was so kind to allow me to room in with her and care for Dante from the minute he was rolled into the room. Looking back, I wish she had chosen to bond more with him, but like I said before, I had to respect her wishes.

Enjoy your time with the Birthfamily and don't take one minute for granted. We enjoyed watching television together while we munched on all kinds of great take out. We also shared many sacred conversations and feelings that I will never forget. We laughed and cried and spent real quality time together.

I just told Marcelo the other day how no matter what, our Birthmother will always be on a pedestal in my eyes. I know she, just like I is not perfect, but she will always be perfect for us!

Claudia cool.gif

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I would have to agree with Elizabeth on all the above. In our situation, we did not have to option of family visiting as we live in the State of Ohio, but if we had, we would have declined the opportunity. During the first few days, you as adoptive parents and your birthmother go through so many emotions. It is a special time for just your immediate family to spend time with your birthmother in my opinion. Your extended family can be there for you when you return home or are waiting for Interstate Compact to be completed (if you live outside of Texas). Just my thoughts.... cool.gif

Edited by Mathews
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  • 5 months later...

Okay-- for as many Forum members as we have, I KNOW you all have family members who have been touched by or concerned about or curious over the adoption process and what it means in the life of your family! SO LET'S HEAR FROM THEM! Grandparents-by-adoption! Grandmas and Grandpas To Be! What are your thoughts? What are your questions? What are you learning (or what have you learned) about this process we call open adoption? How can we help you help your current or future grandkids who were/will be adopted embrace all the wonderful parts of who they are?

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  • 3 months later...

Hi Elizabeth, my husband and I have learned so much from the Forum and the reading material Colleen has given us,now I'm just worried about certain family members who are stuck in the past somewhere with the old school way of thinking of adoption. Sometimes the stuff they come out with is sooo...crazy that I laugh first because I can't believe they think it let alone said it out loud. But I am so comfortable with the choice Colleen and Tom has made and now I am such an advertisement for Abrazo that I wish I lived closer so I could work with you guys. I have a friend whose daughter is adopting a Korean baby and she is missing out on so much that I've been talking to her a lot about things we have learned, I've started putting reading material togehter to give her and web sites because they just don't know what is out ther for them, not to mention APs have no place to turn to for guidence, answers, and most of all friend all in the same spot. There was another thread I was reading today that talked about addictions and being strong and I thought to myself just the fact that they have talked about it reached out to Forum family and have worked on correcting their weakness that has made them a much stronger and braver person then me. I can just give my last thought on that and that would be, We are Women hear us roar.

God Bless All of You,

Sharron

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  • 1 month later...

Just thought I'd bump this topic up for Grandpa Gary, our newest little angels' new grandparent, and for any of the moms and dads of our newest orientation group, who might be lurking and need encouragement to get brave and post! :)

P.S. Grandma Sharron, where've you been, lately? We miss you! Hope all is well!

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Just thought I'd bump this topic up for Grandpa Gary, our newest little angels' new grandparent, and for any of the moms and dads of our newest orientation group, who might be lurking and need encouragement to get brave and post! :)

P.S. Grandma Sharron, where've you been, lately? We miss you! Hope all is well!

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Just thought I'd bump this topic up for Grandpa Gary, our newest little angels' new grandparent, and for any of the moms and dads of our newest orientation group, who might be lurking and need encouragement to get brave and post! :)

P.S. Grandma Sharron, where've you been, lately? We miss you! Hope all is well!

Hi Elizabeth-We have been so busy getting ready for our Grandchild and getting more excited as the days go by. And I must say that without reading the Forum everyday for spirtual inspiration from all the APs and BPs I don't think I'de make it thru. I would encourage All visiting or lurking grandparents in waiting to take advantage of this wonderful sight, it is both a place of resource and encouragement. To all who are waiting I'll keep you in my prayers, to all of the BPs I wish I had your courage and strength God Bless you. But to all of the Abrazo women I applaude you for your undying devotion to this wonderful family ( agency ). So come on Grandparents show yourself! Thanks Elizabeth.

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Just thought I'd bump this topic up for Grandpa Gary, our newest little angels' new grandparent, and for any of the moms and dads of our newest orientation group, who might be lurking and need encouragement to get brave and post! :)

P.S. Grandma Sharron, where've you been, lately? We miss you! Hope all is well!

Come on APs would it be that bad to have your parents share in this wonderful time? Do they know this sight even exists? Let them share with other expectent grandparents I'm sure they won't envade your space. I think if you ask Colleen I've been good. Now this is Mother telling you to go get your parents on this thead!

Thanks for the new nickname Elizabeth that's the first time I've seen grandma and Sharron together and it gives me a chill. I've waited TEN years for this beautiful moment and simply can't wait for Nov.

Love and good wishes to all the new Grandparents in waiting.

Sharron

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  • 3 weeks later...

ELIZABETH WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET GRANDPARENTS in waiting TO GET ON THE FORUM? It seems like we are talking to each other and no one else! That's not a bad thing after all.

Have a good day,

Sharron

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Ahhhh Sharron! If only you could fly here and give my mother and MIL computer lessons! Neither of them will TOUCH a computer! Can you imagine that? :blink: We have two lovely southern belles that REFUSE to even learn! UGH!!!!!!!!! I myself, would love for them to be on the forum so I don't have to keep repeating myself to them, but noooooooooooo, computers are very scary things! :P

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Grandma Sharron, I've wondered that myself, but I'm not sure whether it's because the other grandparents aren't on the computer or because their kids aren't telling them about the Forum! In the meantime, here's a lovely editorial by a Filipino grandpa whose next grandchild is coming home by way of China: Journeys Yet to Come. (Text follows, in case the link fails.) Enjoy! (And remember: not if? but WHEN! goes for grandparents-to-be, as well!) ;)

VIEWPOINT: Journeys yet to come

By Juan Mercado

Last updated 00:30am (Mla time) 10/03/2006

Published on page A10 of the October 3, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

“WHEN one advances in years, God compensates by giving grandchildren,” the wife murmured as we gazed at the 7-month-old infant’s photo on our computer screen. This is our sixth compensatory bonus. But this time, she comes from south-central China.

“We’ll pick up your sixth granddaughter in Chongquing probably late November,” our lawyer-daughter in California phoned. Malu and her physician-husband, Jan, originally hoped to adopt a kid from the Philippines. Then, our third grandchild -- their Swedish-Filipino daughter, Alexia, now 4 -- would have a sister in their Palo Alto home.

However, “corruption distorts the baby trade,” the quarterly Foreign Affairs points out. “Unscrupulous go-betweens buy, even abduct, infants from impoverished parents … From Albania to India, families and orphanages have swapped children for money, TV sets, cameras or watches.”

Well-intentioned Philippine adoption rules seek to bar such abuse. But the regulations here somehow became a bureaucratic thicket. Exasperated, Jan and Malu turned to China.

In 1991, Beijing liberalized its old restrictive adoption laws. China’s “one-child policy” drove a growing number of couples to abandon infants after the first child. And two thirds of Chinese waifs, put up for adoption, are girls.

American families adopted 61 children from China in 1991. That rose to 209 a year later, when the law took full effect. And China became, last year, the main country from which Americans adopted 7,906 children.

Russia was dislodged into second place, with 4,639 kids. Guatemala is in the third slot, with 3,783. Other major source countries are: Ukraine, Kazakhstan, India and Ethiopia.

Majority of adoptions, within the Philippines, are informal intra-familia arrangements. They outnumber lawful foster-parenting, walled in by a thicket of restrictive legal safeguards. Thus, they are under-reported.

In international adoptions, the Philippines never emerged as a major player. Over the last five years, it muddled between numbers 13 and 10.

The number of Filipino foundlings adopted by American couples crested at 421 in 1990. That slumped to 200 in 1998, then inched up to 221 in 2002. Last year, 219 found US homes. (About 8 percent of international adoptions in the US were trans-racial.)

“The international market for children has boomed,” says the French think tank, Institut Francais des Relations Internationales. “For better or for worse, it now behaves much like a commodities market.”

“In the past decade, 34,086 children, mainly from Asia as well as Eastern and Central Europe, found new homes in Canada, Spain or Italy,” Institut notes. Americans account for over half the world’s total of documented inter-country adoptions.

“Babies are not commodities,” Ethan Kapstein’s points out in his analysis of “The Baby Trade.” “For thousands of children and parents, [their] only desire is to build a family.”

For Jan and Malu, the green light from Beijing for a larger family came last week. So, they’re now updating approved US papers and visa, prior to take off. When this adoption is completed, they will join other families who’ve adopted more than 55,000 Chinese children in US homes since 1991.

In the process, they will gift us with a Chinese granddaughter.

“Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation,” the old saying goes. In our twilight years, the wife and I find our “dots” swinging from Cebu to Stockholm, Palo Alto -- and now Chongquing.

The wife and I watch the first few steps in what could be a journey of a thousand miles for Xiu Fu Wei. That’s the name the Xishuan Orphanage staff gave to the little girl. After medical examinations, the doctors say she may have been born last Feb. 21, the orphanage report says. Wrapped in a warm back pack, she was abandoned in front of a county office some time in mid-April.

Was it still cold? we idly wonder. In China’s early April, traces of snow remain.

What did the mother look like? Was she, as the documents hint, probably a member of China’s 8-million ethnic minority, the Miaos, a hardy, healthy people in mountainous areas plagued by poverty?

In their last e-mail, Jan and Malu say they’ve settled on Xiu’s new name: “Tai Noelle Rydfors.” Malu and Alexia will drop by Cebu November, then fly to Beijing to pick up Tai for the flight to California.

Tai, a.k.a. Xiu, then begins what the first wave of Chinese adoptees experienced in the early 1990s. Now in pre-college years, they’re starting to explore their identities, writes the New York Times’ Lynette Clemeston. “Their experiences offer hints at journeys yet to come for thousands of Chinese children now becoming part of American families each year.”

“College was when I really began trying to understand what other people saw in my face,” one Chinese-American said. “Before then I didn’t really understand what it meant to be Asian.”

Tai will have her parents and half-Swedish sister by her side to tackle whatever issues arise. The actuarial tables say the wife and I won’t be around then.

Only this morning, Ecclesiastes gave the unyielding reminder: “One generation passes and another comes … And man goes back to the dust from whence he came and the spirit returns to the God who made it.”

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Ahhhh Sharron! If only you could fly here and give my mother and MIL computer lessons! Neither of them will TOUCH a computer! Can you imagine that? :blink: We have two lovely southern belles that REFUSE to even learn! UGH!!!!!!!!! I myself, would love for them to be on the forum so I don't have to keep repeating myself to them, but noooooooooooo, computers are very scary things! :P

Hi Donna, I must admit until I HAD to learn for work I wanted no part of the comp. but now I can't stay off and more so now that I have joined the forum. Well I guess it looks like you will have to keep informing and repeating, but isn't it nice that they do try to keep up? I was affraid of invading Colleen's space so it took me a while to actually put my two cents in.

Keep trying and have a good day, I've been praying for you.

Sharron

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