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1st x grandma

A Birth Grandmother's Role

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1st x grandma    412

Where do we start, how many times have I asked this same question in the last several months. I am a mother of two girls and more recently a grandmother to a placed beautiful baby girl, my first grandchild. I have debated for several months about posting in the forum, mainly because as I have looked through it, I have been somewhat disappointed or maybe just discouraged that there are so very few recent postings in the placing side. I certainly understand though, it is so much easier and more pleasant to celebrate then it is to grieve. When we are happy we don’t mind sharing our good news, but when we are dealing with a loss, many of us tend to be more private and quiet, not that we don’t want to share or talk to people, I feel it’s more that we are hurting and sometimes can’t find the words to describe our emotions, thoughts and feelings or depending on the subject matter, sometimes we hold all or a lot inside, because there are things and experiences in life that not everyone understands, unless they have walked in our shoes. So to share very private and intimate details of a sensitive and sometimes controversial subject puts us at risk of being judged, criticized, and misunderstood and yes, in even some cases being estranged from many who don’t understand. Oh some may be polite and say they understand or they know what we are going through, but we know they really don’t. They can’t fully comprehend when we are having a bad day and want to scream, or cry or just sit in a quiet room with our thoughts, or ask ourselves the “what if” questions, though WE know we really don’t need or want an answer, sometimes we just need to ask them, I feel that only those who have been there can truly know where we are coming from.

Before I go any further, let me share a little about my daughter and myself.. My daughter (first mom) is my youngest of 2, born almost 12 years after her sister. She has always been a very compassionate, caring, loving person, who is also very passionate about her ideas. Since she was a toddler until this day she has always been the protector the little mama of her cousins, friends and pets. She played sports since she was 3, co-ed sports and wasn’t to happy when she couldn’t play on the same team as the boys by the time she was 6, you see both my daughter’s have always had more male friends then female friends, so on her coed team it was my daughter and 5 little boys who hung out together. She played softball, basketball, volleyball, golf, tennis.. Volleyball was her passion of sports, she lettered her freshman year in volleyball and golf, she actually played volleyball that year on the varsity, jv, and freshman team, she was on the jv tennis team, her sophomore year she again played varsity volleyball, golf and tennis. She has a beautiful singing voice, but doesn’t like to sing in public (except for a recital in first grade) of course now she says “that was before I knew better”.. She has to be pushed in academics, her strong suit in school was socializing, my social butterfly. She has a strong, confident personality, doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings, but doesn’t have a problem telling it like it is. From the time she was born to at about 12 she was a daddy’s girl. I was the outsider in their world.

As for me, my daughter(s) are a lot like me in many ways… protectors, passionate about ideas, strong work ethic. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and feel that we need to give 100% in what ever we do. I am normally a very private person, I don’t like to share a lot about me or what is going on in my life or my families life, people sometimes say I am quiet (ok that is definitely different then my daughter’s) , usually am very selective as to with whom I share. I like to observe, and listen and pick up on things. My co works use to tell me I should have worked for the FBI, part of my job was loss prevention so I had to develop those skills pretty quick. I worked for the same large company for 28yrs plus, quit (too young to retire) when my daughter was in seventh grade, due to my work sch. 60hrs plus, and constant travel. I had missed out on a lot of her life and wanted to spend more time with her, so I took on a part-time job that allowed me to do this. Of course I was also thinking that she would soon be a teenager and I needed to be around more. My entire family is important to me; I have experienced the loss of two siblings through out my life, one brother when I as 14 and the other when I was 35, as well as my father when I was junior in high school and my step father in 2000. So the family I have left is like gold. I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, but I have been accused of being one, I am also very tenacious and can be very analytical to a fault sometimes. That pretty much covers it.

This journey/chapter in my daughter’s, in mine and in OUR life has thrown us into new territory that we were not prepared for or expected, but none the less here we are, though we all grieve or handle things differently, knowing that there are others out there who have walked along the same paths, shed tears for the same reasons, know the loss of a mother or a grandmother gives me hope and courage to continue to be strong for my daughter, because even though we both and our families as well are suffering a loss, even if it is to adoption and not a death, it is no less a loss. I can not begin to understand my daughter’s pain as the mother; I can only understand it as a grandmother, and as a mother to a hurting child. I feel we both need to have people in our lives that have walked in our shoes, someone that does understand and knows that we sometimes just need to vent, cry, talk or even some days just get by. Although she is not ready to take this next step and I respect her for that, I know she will when her time is right, as for me after much thought and prayer, I have decided to share my daughter’s and our story from my view and as a grandmother of a beautiful baby entrusted to a wonderful couple to raise. It has really taken me a long time to put this together, I had to do it in pieces because I could not get through very much of it at any one time, so I apologize if some of my writing sounds like rambling, I probably was/am. I hope to hear from other first grandparents as to how you are doing now and what has helped you get through those sleepless nights thinking of your grandchild, how are your daughters/sons (the first parents) doing now, how is their relationship with the entrusted parents, how is yours? Do you have one? To be continued.......

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Welcome to the forums!!

I am birthmother to two wonderful children. I agree that there are not that many birthmoms on the board that are active. Sometimes I wish there were more. It took me quite a while to feel comfortable posting on the forum.

I know that my mother would love to post but she is not internet savvy and does not even know how to turn on a computer...LOL!!!

I actually did not tell my family about the children I placed for adoption until they were older. They were like 2 and 3 years old when I told them. I was scared of their reaction and them not supporting me. When they found out they were a lot more supportive than I thought that they would be. I realize now that they would have helped me with the situation and I would not have been alone.

They are very secure with my decisions place the children for adoption. They really love the adoptive parents of

Nicholas. They visited with Nicholas about a year ago for the first time since birth. It was really great and I think that it gave them closure as to why I placed him for adoption. They saw the adoptive parents that were raising him, they saw the morals and values that they are teaching him and they saw the "perfect" child that he is. They are not as close with the adoptive parents of my daughter. They are not as secure with my decision to place her. They have not had the chance to meet Grace or her adoptive parents but I hope that it will happen one day. I know that it will happen when the time comes. I think that once they meet her the questions that they have will get answered and things will be better. The adoptive parents of Nicholas send my mother and grandmother pictures. My mother has finally mastered how to print pictures off a CD now so she usually gets a cd with hundreds of pictures on it. She gets double prints and send one set to my grandmother.

I know that it was hard on them when they first learned that I placed their grandchildren for adoption. It was really hard on my grandparents. I think that they were in such a better place after meeting Nicholas and his family for the first time.

I really enjoyed your post and I hope to see you posting more!

Elicia

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hkingkong    10

1st x grandma,

I really enjoyed your post. You sound like the perfect mother. I hope that you can help your daughter through this difficult time. I pray that your new extended (adoptive family) will stay close and the loss can be lessened because of your relationship.

Please keep posting. Maybe other birthfamilies will have the courage to share.

Heather :)

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DPJ    227

Thank you for sharing. We feel very close to our bp's mother.... and want nothing less than to love "her" grandson. Welcome and thanks for sharing your heart :)

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suziandben    134

1 x Grandma... welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing. You are right most often people share the ups of life without sharing the downs. I am always excited to meet people willing to share either way. That to me is a true friend.

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TRACEB    99

1XGrandma so glad you came to the forum for support. Suzi is right. Most of the times people only share the happy things in life. I'm not sure why that is, because here on the forum there is a lot of support and love given by everyone. I hope you find the forum a place to be able to say what you are feeling. I am a parent in waiting and do not know the pain that you are going through. But I can tell you that through your post I can tell you are feeling so many feelings and so much pain. I thank you for your honesty and for putting your feelings out there. I have learned so much through the forum and met some wonderful people who care so much. I hope you find that here too.

Prayers and hugs to you 1xGrandma,

Tracey

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HeidiK    94

Thank you for sharing you story! Your perpective is so important - I am looking forward to more of your story!

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Jada    8

Hi,welcome to the forum. I am a birthmom to two beautiful kids. Lindsay and Charlie who are now 14 (soon to be 15) and 16 years old. I am also a grandmother of 2 little girls Emma (1) and Bianca(3).They live in Germany with my oldest daughter.

I understand so much about hearing the happy things on here and not so much about the loss. Although I can say I am one of the birthmother's on here who is definitely very open and honest about my feelings and my pain.Don't ever be afraid to share your loss and pain on the forum. The people here are great and they offer so much support. I have been on the forum for almost 8 years now and it has actually helped me get through some of the toughest times.

Also my birthdaughter is on the forum and has a few posts.

I hope you find comfort and healing by posting on the forum and I look forward to hearing your story. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to send me a message.

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karen&scott    247

Dear First Grandma,

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting.

One of the hardest part of adoption discussions is communicating the pain and loss, when everyone seemingly wants to acknowledge the joy of the family that's been created.

I hope you and your daughter find some peace and comfort in your placement decision as you watch your child/grandchild grow and thrive through open adoption.

Welcome to the forum family.

Karen

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shelley    2

1st Time Grandma,

You post is very courageous. You are right - it's easy to share joy and excitement. But the harder side of life is so much more challenging to discuss - especially when you are a private, protective person.

Your words expose what an amazing and beautiful heart you have. No question, your daughters and granddaughter are lucky to have you as a nurturer and role model - as is the couple who your grandbaby was placed with...

I hope your post leads to an overwhelming amount of love and support for you and your family. I also hope that it inspires others who are in your situation to step forward and share their experiences, because you're right - unless you've been there it's impossible to understand. It would be wonderful for you and others to have a place to share, vent, grieve without any fear of being judged. I'm sure you need that and you very much deserve it after the selflessness you and your daughter have shown.

Thank you for sharing your heart - please continue to do so. We are all so very blessed by you, your story, your strength and your courage.

Much love to you - Shelley

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1st x grandma    412

Thank you to all. I know my daughter and I came to the right place with Abrazo. Over the last three months or so that I have looked at the communication every so often, I can almost feel the hugs, caring and love every one shares for one another. Blessings to you all.. And a Wonderful Mother's Day to each of you....

Mari

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melissamerritt    254

Welcome Mari,

I pray you find support and comfort within the walls of the forum.

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1st x grandma    412

Part 2…continuation

I know on the other side of our stories, are the parents in waiting, and I can’t begin to say I understand their hopes, dreams, or the emptiness some may feel without a child of their own, all those loving people who long to be parents and unfortunately sometimes may feel like they are at the mercy of someone else. How I wish I could say or do something to ease their longing, their pain or give them wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement that would make it better for them while they wait for that one child that was meant to be part of their life and their family, when finally that day arrives. It’s unfortunate that to make this a reality, there is the suffering on the other side. I know while my grand baby’s new parents and all new parents celebrate and rejoice the addition to their families, the opportunity they have everyday to hold their (our) child, to be able to look into this precious life’s eyes, or watch him/her sleep, all the things that fills their life with joy, as I my own two girls did/do for me, there is the other side that I also know, like my daughter as I would think do many if not all other birth mothers, those brave women who made it possible for the new parents to experience their joy, they are at the same time now going through their own emptiness and grief. They can not look into their child’s eyes daily, soothe, hug, hold their child, touch and caress or watch them grow day by day, but they do in many cases have physical reminders, maybe the scars of child birth that they must see daily, when they look in the mirror, when they take showers, the stretched skin, the weight, these signs of which some will go away with time and the others that will stay and serve as constant reminders that they are in their own right a birth parent now, reminders that they made the difficult and unselfish choice that only a parent can make which is to put their child’s needs first and foremost above theirs. They don’t really need these as reminders though; their heart will remind them daily. Their choice was made out of love for their child and a desire for a better life for them to have that they could not themselves provide at the time which made it possible for a childless couple to fill their hearts and arms with this new life. Just as the addition of new life to a family brings joy and impacts the entire family, the loss of a child brings grief and impacts not only the birthmother, in some cases the birthfather and all their families. Isn’t this something, we can not have one without the other…

My daily prayers for all who have been touched in one form or another by adoption, are that God continue to touch the lives of each one of us, to guide and protect all, to help us be strong, courageous and selfless, to put our child’s needs before our insecurities or our pride, to continue to nourish our hearts and help us not falter in faith and spirit. To guide our thoughts and actions, to watch over and protect all who have been bound by a child, and those hard working individuals that make this possible. For God to keep our hearts open and filled with love for all, because we can never think of one without thinking of the other, we can never look at this precious life without thinking of the parent(s) that made it possible or their families, or think of one’s child without thinking of those loving parents nurturing, and guiding daily and their families, they (we) are all a part of each other that have been brought together by one child and the love that is felt for him/her. We are the quilt made of patches, each one of us a different square that have been woven together and stitched with Gods help to bring security, love, warmth and beauty to our child, that one child that we all have in common.

When I first learned that my teenage daughter was pregnant, I went through what I am sure most if not all parents in my situation go through, anger, disappointment, disbelief, hurt at the betrayal of trust, and mostly fear for my child. She had no idea what she had gotten herself into. I threatened to ship her off to Maine to live with her aunt, I don’t think I really yelled at her, but I know I talked to her in a very strong, get out of my way NOW, type tone. Just picture a big; no huge bulldozer rolling over cars at a junk yard, yeap that was me at that moment. I really didn’t expect this to happen, not because she was the perfect child, I am well aware of my child, she is in her teenage years, my daughter was/is strong minded, sometimes too mature other times too immature for her age, typical teenager, mood swings, sometimes flies by the seat of her pants, I didn’t expect it because we often talked so much about things like, drinking, drugs, sex, self-respect, responsibilities and being safe. Many say that teenage pregnancy happens because parents don’t talk to their kids about sex, well I talked, thought she listened! She was use to me telling her when she would get in trouble in class usually for talking or socializing, even though she said she “would get an A If they gave grades for that” it was 50/50, I know many parents have heard the excuses, “but I didn’t do anything” or “the teacher doesn’t like me” or “it wasn’t my fault”, well I use to tell her that 50% was controlled by her, it was either something she did or didn’t do that contributed to the outcome and her getting in trouble. After a while she would tell me about an incident and add, “I know, I know, 50/50”. It just got to where she would take responsibility (sometimes reluctantly) for her portion of it, and she had no problem telling me. She didn’t go to parties, really didn’t go out much even though she had the same boyfriend for two years. She was involved in sports, school and church activities, although in her sophomore year she was moodier and was going through an angry faze, the teen mentality they know best, parents don’t know anything, became more of a daily battle, we are ancient/old, dinosaurs roamed the earth when we were kids, ok, maybe not to that extent, but to my teen, life was boring when we (her parents) were young and her age, we didn’t have much to do or experience (gosh if she only knew). I even shared stories of real people, people who I went to high school with and how their poor choices impacted them, but sometimes even the best advice we give our children to protect them or educate them, will fall on deaf ears, they pick and choose what they want to hear or retain and without thought to the consequences.

To be continued…..

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suebee    228

Mari,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and thoughts with us.

Susan

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ElizabethAnn    687

This is how we "show" hugs in writing around here... ((((Mari))))... may you feel welcomed and embraced at every turn.

And may you always feel entitled to share your thoughts and feelings freely, and find healing in doing so.

I have the utmost of respect and admiration for you and your daughter, and I am so thankful you joined Abrazo's family.

Whenever your daughter is ready, you can be sure the Forum family will welcome her with open arms, as well!

Happy Mother's Day, dear birthgrandmother! :wub:

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linlacor    23

Welcome to the forum 1st X Grandma!!!

I wish the forum could have been around when I placed my daughter for adoption, I am glad you found it and glad you decided to share and invite others into your world. I placed my daughter for adoption 20 years ago - I was 18 at the time and my mom was my ROCK during that experience (the most painful experience I've ever gone through). I got through it because of her. She didn't have anyone to talk to and so I guess she dealt with it on her own - I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I never once considered hers until much later when we talked about our feelings (I found my daughter a year ago and am now in contact with her which has sparked a lot of conversations about the placement between my mom and me) and she finally felt comfortable telling me just how painful it was for her too - both because of seeing her baby (me) in so much pain and the placement of her granddaughter. I don't know how helpful it would be for you to hear from her since it was such a different situation then (my adoption was closed) and it was such a long time ago but pain is pain is pain - if I can get her on here (she's now 74, was 54 when I placed and isn't much of a typist but I could probably do that part for her) I'll ask her to share some of her thoughts. We (my mom and I) have also experienced life on the other side of things as my husband and I adopted 2 children through Abrazo over the past 6 yrs.

But most of all, I want to welcome you to the forum and let you know how much we appreciate you here - you're so right, there is soooo much more activity from adoptive parents on here than from birth parents and especially from birth grandparents...but it only takes one and hopefully you've started something here.

Thinking of you and your daughter as you find your way through this incredibly emotional journey in your lives.

Lisa

P.S. the profile picture of me was taken last month when I went to visit Joanna (my daughter who I placed for adoption) in NY (this was my 3rd visit with her over the past year)

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1st x grandma    412
Welcome to the forum 1st X Grandma!!!

I wish the forum could have been around when I placed my daughter for adoption, I am glad you found it and glad you decided to share and invite others into your world. I placed my daughter for adoption 20 years ago - I was 18 at the time and my mom was my ROCK during that experience (the most painful experience I've yet to go through). I got through it because of her. She didn't have anyone to talk to and so I guess she dealt with it on her own - I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I never once considered hers until much later when we talked about our feelings (I found my daughter a year ago and am now in contact with her which has sparked a lot of conversations about the placement between my mom and me) and she finally felt comfortable telling me just how painful it was for her too - both because of seeing her baby (me) in so much pain and the placement of her granddaughter. I don't know how helpful it would be for you to hear from her since it was such a different situation then (my adoption was closed) and it was such a long time ago but pain is pain is pain - if I can get her on here (she's now 74, was 54 when I placed and isn't much of a typist but I could probably do that part for her) I'll ask her to share some of her thoughts. We (my mom and I) have also experienced life on the other side of things as my husband and I adopted 2 children through Abrazo over the past 6 yrs.

But most of all, I want to welcome you to the forum and let you know how much we appreciate you here - you're so right, there is soooo much more activity from adoptive parents on here than from birth parents and especially from birth grandparents...but it only takes one and hopefully you've started something here.

Thinking of you and your daughter as you find your way through this incredibly emotional journey in your lives.

Lisa

P.S. the profile picture of me was taken last month when I went to visit Joanna (my daughter who I placed for adoption) in NY (this was my 3rd visit with her over the past year)

Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with me about your mom, your right, pain is pain no matter how long ago..I know it gets easier, but it will never go away. I would love to know more about her thoughts and how she managed to get through. Your mom is only one year younger then my mom, my grand-daughter’s great Granma, she had/has a hard time with the adoption, but she really has been there for my daughter which I know has meant a lot to both of them as well as me. I will share more as my story continues to unfold to all.

Glad you found and reconnected with your daughter, may you have many years more to build wonderful new memories. Wishing you and your mom a blessed Mother’s Day…and also to the all mom’s out there, whether birth or adoptive.

To the rest of the wonderful Abrazo family, I must say I am over whelmed by the support, I always knew it would be there, as I mentioned before due to “surfing” the forum once in a while and seeing how everyone is so supportive, encouraging and compassionate, I just couldn’t imagine though how I would feel. My daughter told me yesterday that she needs to start working on her blog. Maybe seeing me, though reluctant at first and taking the leap, has given her the courage she needs also.

I do have to apologize for my part 2, I hadn’t realized it was all bunched together..Don’t mind telling you, that as I write my daughter’s and our story, I really get nervous, sentimental (I like to use this word better then emotional) and so many other emotions come pouring out, that sometimes I find myself writing through watery eyes, and I am also still trying to learn to navigate here. I will try to do better though, and make my story a little more legible.

Mari

For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:3

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kristal    4

Mari,

Welcome to the forum! I placed my son Colby through Abrazo over 3 years ago. My mother and I aren't really close, but she came down after placement and stayed with me. She's tried to support me through this the best she can. I know she loves Colby very much (he is also her first grandchild) but I also recognize that she has a hard time seeing him sometimes. I try to be understanding, but it isn't always so easy to deal with her grief through my grief. She doesn't like to talk about it bothering her, but I can tell it does. She has even said she didn't realize that me placing Colby was going to effect her so much. Even my Grandma, (Colby's Great Grandma) has trouble with the adoption. She sometimes just acts like it didn't happen. I know its because of the generation she's from, but sometimes that really bothers me. My Grandfather on the other hand has a much easier time with it, he's even a picture thief and when he was going through my pictures he'd get excited each time he'd find a picture with Colby holding something in his left hand, proclaiming Colby was left handed just like him!

Adoption is really complicated,you are so right that the grief isn't really understood by people who haven't been there. It seems people expect you to move on or not be sad because the baby is alive and healthy and you made (or in your case allowed/supported/didn't fight) the decision. Its frustrating because yes, all those things are true, but just because you made a decision that you felt was the best choice out of your options doesn't mean its the decision you wanted to make. The best choice out of only hard choices is still a hard choice.

I hope your daughter does find her way on here. I know its hard to be one of the few on the forum who deals with the hurt and emptiness adoption leaves behind, but I assure you that things will get better. I hated when people told me that because its a hard thing to hold on to, and frankly I couldn't see how they would when I was deepest in my grief, but honestly therapy, medication, and Colby's AMAZING family showed me that things will get better. The devotion of Colby's family to me really surprised me, but knowing that they love and care for not just Colby, but me too showed me that I really did chose a wonderful family for Colby to grow up with, and that they really did intend for me to be a part of Colby's life. I know here's the time thing again, but it really does take time. I'm not saying that I don't still hurt, but the days I hurt are few and far between. Colby brings me a lot of joy now and I'm glad I healed so that I could enjoy him.

Adoption is life changing, and it has many emotional ramifications for those who place. I hope both you and your daughter heal so that you can fully enjoy that beautiful baby that she brought into this world. Don't let the other side of the triad scare you from the forum. The people on here seem to be very open minded and accepting of the pain/thoughts/ideas that those who have placed have. Those who aren't don't normally stick around (probably because Abrazo doesn't accept them as PIWs.) We all can learn a lot from each other. Thank you for coming and sharing your story!

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I do have to apologize for my part 2, I hadn’t realized it was all bunched together..Don’t mind telling you, that as I write my daughter’s and our story, I really get nervous, sentimental (I like to use this word better then emotional) and so many other emotions come pouring out, that sometimes I find myself writing through watery eyes, and I am also still trying to learn to navigate here. I will try to do better though, and make my story a little more legible.

Mari

For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:3

Mari, don't worry about how it looked. I am sure many of us read it through watery eyes! It is such a blessing to have the benefit of hearing the stories of those that have been on the placing side. I went to a home show party last night, and the girls that held it have a picture of our girls on their fridge. It usually gives me a chance to share our story with someone new and give them my perspective on those that have sacrificed through placing. I was able to give someone a different way of looking at the act of placing, and I am grateful for that. I think that one of the things that can eventually come from more open adoptions is changing the public's view of first moms and families. Your daughter (and you and your mom) are struggling with a loss. Feeling like you can't talk about it in many areas of your life because of a negative connotation is terrible.

I hope that one day soon everyone will realize what a loving and sacrificial act placement is, and honor and support the brave women and families that choose it.

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suziandben    134

Mari,

Thank you for continuing to tell your story. I'm gaining so much from your posts and from the posts that reply to you that help me continue to grow in understanding what my son's first family has gone through. I think you are an amazing mom and grandma (first or otherwise) and hope you have a wonderful mother's day today.

Suzi

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Lindsay    22

Hi Mari!

Welcome to the forum!

I'm Lindsay, Jada's birthdaughter. I have only been on the forum for a little while now and I have found that it has really helped me to actually say how I feel and read the responses from everyone. It has helped me get through some tuff things and I'm sure it will help you too. The people on the forum are great! They are so kind and very supportive. So please feel free to vent whenever you want. I hope you find comfort here and get all of your questions answered and maybe even find out a little more about yourself along the way. =]

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

~Lindsay~

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1st x grandma    412

Kristal,

Thank you so much for your comments, I certainly understand the feeling when family acts like the adoption or even worse the child doesn’t exist. I wish I felt like it was all a generation thing, but I have come across some that are younger then me and act this way. I guess sometimes people are scared of things that are different in their life’s circle or anything that might make them feel uncomfortable or human. Some of these same people I have watched cry uncontrollably during movies (chick flicks) yet they seem to show neither emotion nor interest in an adoption reality. Go figure.

Does sound like your son has his grandpa on his side though, rooting him on, good for grandpa.

Glad to hear what a wonderful relationship you have with your son’s family. That was one of the things that weighed heavily on my mind during the start of the adoption process. That is my biggest wish for my daughter, my grand-baby and her parents.

Amanda,

Thank you for comments, It really makes a difference in one’s day when you don’t feel like and outsider, I don’t think all people intentionally do it, many are just ignorant to the process and all the emotions that go into it from both sides. I shot off some not so compassionate emails during the start of my daughter’s adoption process to acquaintances who took it upon themselves to make her story the topic of their “church group” conversations, and they didn’t make a smart move in sending me emails wanting “the scoop”..These are people I talked to maybe once a year..Haven’t run into them face to face, and I hate to say it but, that may be a good thing for them, I am just not good at hiding some of my feelings sometimes especially with insensitive people, I do sometimes bit my lip, but right now with all the emotions I myself am dealing with, it is probably best to keep my distance

Susi,

Continue to hold on to the bond you have with your son’s family..I know they appreciate it and you are a part of their family. I told my grand-baby’s parents that I was adopting them as my children, :D and I plan to enjoy not only my grand-daughter but her parents and grandparents for the rest of my life on this earth and I know my daughter will do the same.

Lindsy,

You know, I read your note to me and then I re-read your bmom’s, you sound so much alike. I appreciate your comments and I know my daughter will find the support as well. Though she hasn’t been ready to attend the support groups at Abrazo, one she doesn’t like talking about herself or about intimate things to strangers, two the times right now are not convenient due to school, I told her not to look at it as if she needed all the help but more in a sense that it was a two sided effort, how many others are now where she was several months ago, and she may be able to offer them some encouragement and much needed answers based on her experience.

My part 3 will soon be on, my daughter just hasn’t had a chance to read it yet, though it is our story based on my view, I like for her to read what I will be posting, just to make sure she is ok with it.

Thank you again to all for your kind words and encouragement.

Blessings to all,

Mari

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shelley    2

Love the black and white picture you added - and am so grateful/happy that you keep sharing your thoughts. I wish more people from the placement side would share as openly and honestly as you do, although I understand why that is not the case. Your insight helps all of us to have more compassion, as well as a more meaningful understanding of the adoption process.

I also wanted to add that you have a beautiful grandbaby. :)

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1st x grandma    412

I also wanted to add that you have a beautiful grandbaby. :)

Shelley,

Thank you, I also think so myself. She is also a very lucky little girl who has not one but two beautiful moms.

L,

Mari

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1st x grandma    412

Continuation…part 3

After she shared her news, and we were hit by all those intense emotions, though still angry and in shock and in disbelief, it was then more of A NOW WHAT! I interrogated her beyond belief, why, when, what was she thinking. It was her first time, curiosity and she didn’t think beyond the action and certainly not about the consequences, (the fly by the seat of her pants approach). She said she was afraid to tell me, according to her, she was afraid of what I would do, of course I told her that she couldn’t have been that afraid of me or she wouldn’t have allowed herself to be put in that predicament. Although I made her dr.’s appointment to confirm her suspicion and we could be sure, I have to say that I refused to take her; I made her father do it, because I was so angry with her. Meanwhile I prayed that the test would come back negative, we could use the experience (the fact that she was scared to death, probably more of me causing that death) as a lesson, and a tough lesson no less, to learn from it, I prayed that it was just a bad dream, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t and the test wouldn’t come back negative. What had she done, what happened, how in the world did we go so wrong, she didn’t have uninvolved parents, she had everything she needed, why was she so eager to grow up so fast. She is my baby; she isn’t suppose to be dealing with this at her age.

We found ourselves in new territory; full nights of sleep where now a thing of the past, if I got a couple of hours that was too much. I searched endlessly trying to find a support group to get some much needed information, but found that there really is nothing out there for parents of pregnant teens, a lot of groups and help for the teens, but not for the parents that are now the ones who are looked upon to help their child to pick up the pieces, that after all, falls in our realm and role as a parent, they are scared, confused, have a million questions and so do we the parents. I had to go by instinct, and questioned my self along the way, my first reaction was abortion, not because of what others might think or say, I could care less about the others, it was more out of fear I had for her, from past experience she didn’t have the maturity to be a parent, she was so self absorbed as many teenagers are, it was all about her during that time, and in many ways it should have been, she should be enjoying her teenage years, making fun memories, not dealing with adult situations. I had to put my thoughts aside, I needed to be there for her and I wanted to be there for her, she was after all my child, my baby and I wasn’t going to turn my back on her, so I had to push my emotions, my anger, my disappointment to the bottom, sort of detach myself slightly from my intense emotional feelings to be able to focus on what was most important. I am really not the type of person to beat around the bush if I have something to say, yeap that sometimes isn’t good because attempts to withhold my feelings at times will just make them stronger. I pulled myself together as best I could; I had to leave those looming dark shadows that had consumed my thoughts aside. I didn’t want to push her too hard and alienate her, I needed her talking, to open up about what was happening and what she thought should be done about it, my role for now was actually best served listening, not only to her words but to her actions, mannerisms, body language, these things were going to give me the cues and clues as to where we needed to start. We couldn’t let our fears take over our life, there was no easy way. Those Darn questions of now what, were do we go from here, where do we turn, kept blasting in my ears, in my head and in my heart. I knew that ignoring reality would only delay the inevitable. We had crossed a boundary, could we make it back? Will the struggles that lay ahead both emotional and physical bring an irremovable wedge to our relationship? Are we prepared to handle the hardships of teenage parenthood? What did her future hold? These thoughts made me lay awake night after night; I began hating the nights, until the thoughts consumed my days as well. I knew that my daughter was also being consumed by those same thoughts.

To be continued…….

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