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La Promesa: Special Needs Adoptions


ElizabethAnn

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Out of Tallahassee comes this extraordinary column by one dad-by-adoption, explaining how and why he and his wife chose to parent a child others would surely reject: Selfish Reactions to Selfless Adoption. (Text appears below in case the link goes bad.)

Selfish reactions to selfless adoption

By Ralph James Savarese

SPECIAL TO THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

Why would anyone adopt a badly abused, autistic 6-year-old from foster care?"

So my wife and I were asked at the outset of our adoption-as-a-first-resort adventure. It was a reasonable question in this age of narrow self-concern - far more reasonable, or at least more reasonably put, than many of the other questions we fielded.

For example, "Why don't you have your own children?" a wealthy relative inquired, as if natural family-making were a kind of gated community it was best never to abandon. "You two have such good genes," she added. "Why waste them?"

A colleague at work confronted me in the mailroom with this memorable gem: "Have you tried in-vitro?" She feared that we hadn't availed ourselves of the many wondrous technologies that rescue infertile couples.

"Wouldn't that be better than adopting a child with a disability?" she asked, drawing out the word "disability."

"God knows what that kid's parents were doing when they conceived him."

"We're not infertile," I barked. "We have a relationship with the boy."

My wife, an autism expert, had offered his mother services, but as the woman found it increasingly difficult to care for her son and then dropped out of the picture altogether, we'd started spending time with him. His first communicative act with language, at age 3 - the sign for "more" - we'd taught him while tickling his belly.

He later made that sign in the emergency room of a hospital where he was brought after being beaten in foster care. Upon seeing us - we'd been called in to try to calm him - he stopped in his tracks, paused (as if to allow some associative chain to complete itself) and demanded obsessively to be tickled. I remember searching on his chest for unbruised patches among the purple, blue and black. He was that frantic in his quest for the familiar and, dare I say, for love.

To this day, I can't believe how callous people were; the strange anxiety that adopting a child with a disability provoked. And the anxiety just kept coming.

"Healthy white infants must be tough to get," a neighbor commented. No paragons of racial sensitivity, we were nevertheless appalled by the idea that we'd do anything to avoid adopting, say, a black child or an Hispanic one.

As offensive was the assumption that we must be devout Christians: hyperbolic, designated do-gooders with a joint eye firmly on some final prize.

"God's reserving a special place for you," we heard on more than one occasion, as if our son deserved pity and we were allowed neither our flaws nor a different understanding of social commitment.

The journalist Adam Pertman, in his otherwise excellent book "Adoption Nation," reproduces this logic exactly when he speaks of "children so challenging that only the most saintly among us would think of tackling their behavioral and physical problems."

Despite the stigma attached to "special-needs children," people do adopt these kids. And yet, many more Americans spend gobs of money on fertility treatments or travel to foreign countries to find their perfect little bundles. I'm haunted by something my son wrote after we taught him how to read and type on a computer: "I want you to be proud of me. I dream of that because in foster care I had no one." How many kids lie in bed at night and think something similar?

The physical and behavioral problems have been significant, at times even crushing. The last eight years have been devoted almost exclusively to my son's welfare: literacy training, occupational therapy, relationship building, counseling for post-traumatic stress - the list goes on and on. But what strides he has made.

The boy who was still in diapers and said to be retarded when he came to live with us is now a straight-A student at our local middle school. He's literally rewriting the common scripts of autism and "attachment disorder" (the broad diagnosis for the problems of abandoned and traumatized kids). These are hopeless scripts, unforgiving scripts in which the child can't give back.

My son does, and others can as well. Recently, in response to my hip replacement, he typed on his computer, "I'm nervous because Dad has not brought me braces (his word for crutches)." I was just home from the hospital - wobbly, a bit depressed, in pain. To my question, "Why do you need crutches?" he responded endearingly, "You know how I like to be just like you."

My son was trying to make me feel better, taking on my impairment, limping with me.

Ralph James Savarese is the author of "Reasonable People: A Memoir of Autism & Adoption," published this week by Other Press.

Granted, not everyone can do a special needs adoption. But those who do have truly special families to show for it.

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  • 10 months later...
Granted, not everyone can do a special needs adoption. But those who do have truly special families to show for it.

I completely agree!! My little sister (who has cerebal palsy & was adopted from the state @ 9 months) is not only the greatest addition to our family...I believe she transformed our family, made us who we were. Gifts like racial / handicap equality kind of thinking are just that...gifts in this society. That being said, it truley takes a unique person to parent a child who is handicapped, it takes a lifetime committment & isn't always easy.

Side note - we went to my little sister's prom (she is 17) at her school (which is specifically for handicapped kids) a couple of weekend's ago. They like for the brothers and sisters to come because they can dance with the kids that go there...so it isn't just filled with mom's and dad's to dance with KWIM? Anyways, it was so amazing. They had a red carpet and each person got to walk down it as they called thier name and all the families clapped (like a regular prom...or at least in my hometown), thier faces lit up...they were all decked out in prom dresses and tuxes. Then to see them dance....if you know a handicapped person (not all...as some have sensitivity to loud music, etc) well you know how most LOVE to dance. This is when they can just wiggle around and clap and sing and just be crazy...let it all go and be themselves!! They had so much fun. My little sister is in a wheelchair along with a few other kids, well we were swinging that wheel chair around in circles and back and forth...my goodness I don't think she stopped smiling and laughing and screaming ONCE!! (you should see her at our family weddings LOL we all get around in a circle as my brother spins her around). It was a glorious night and I was so thankful they did that for these kids!!!

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  • 2 months later...

An inspiring story about the Peraltas, who adopted a baby they later found had special needs: Past Imperfect

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Oh Elizabeth... thank you for that article. There is so much there that we can identify with.

"It's worth it all just to see him smile," said Heather Peralta.

This is our greatest joy with Danny. Just seeing him smile is everything to us. To know that he is comfortable and happy and that he knows he is loved is all we need.

Heather used to think having such a child would be the worst fate. Now she feels the bigger the challenge, the better the reward.

Erika, who has been a Special Education teacher for 22 years always feared having a special needs child at home. I had no idea what those challenges would be, but fully expected a healthy baby, little league, sports, education, and a "normal" life for my little boy. I couldn't imagine how people could function day-to-day with such a "burden". I will tell everyone one honest truth about my life... I am a far better person for knowing Danny than I could have ever hoped to be. In a greater sense, this little boy helped Save me... but that is a story for another day. :rolleyes:

"shows how God finds the right parents for children with special needs."

And those found parents often turn out to be stronger than they thought they were.

Amen to that.

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I couldn't help but think of you, Dan, when I read it! ;)

Some of God's greatest miracles arrive in the most unlikely of circumstances...

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I read this article early this morning after Hayden awoke us early as usual :).

I found myself thinking that sounds so like us....

When a child with special needs does eventually reach their milestones, it's so much more miraculous because you didn't know if they ever would reach those milestones,
because we get so excited when Hayden reaches some of those milestones that he lags in.

After a year of struggling with my own emotions of learning that Hayden has a wide spectrum of different/special needs I know these things are so very true:

Shows how God finds the right parents for children with special needs And those found parents often turn out to be stronger than they thought they were.

Again thanks Elizabeth for finding just the 'right' articles for those of us need them....you never cease to amaze me ;).

xoxo, Amy

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|Elizabeth thank you for posting the article. How so true. We are so very blessed to have Curan in our lives. I know God had a plan for all of us.

Those milestones reached are so filled with awe and amazement on how hard your child has worked to acheive them. The pride and love you feel is so overwhelming. I cry at times because of how proud I am of Curan and all he has accomplished and all he is still working on. I am so proud of him and love him unconditionally.

Char :)

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Here are some more stories of families whose dedication to "special needs adoption" has been a blessing not just to the little boys they eventually adopted, but ultimately, to everyone in their households:

Gavin's Great Strides

The Special Son

A Godsend Named Scotty

Our friend and colleague Patricia Irwin Johnston has written a helpful reading for those who willing to consider what it takes to adopt a child with special needs: Are You Up to the Challenge?

So often, I think, folks come to the adoption process wanting to hold out for the ideal case. It's not that they don't want to see children with special needs go without loving homes; they just want to believe that "someone else" can provide that better than they could. They're "not cut out for" it, they tell themselves (and us), without stopping to think what this might suggest about their level of commitment to any child, since all kids fall far from perfect.

But if everyone hid behind that theory, then there'd be no special homes for special kids.

At Abrazo, we've been blessed to know some phenomenal families who rose to the challenge of becoming extra-special-- to their children and to us.

What does it take to be a "special needs family"? What compels someone to make this kind of greater commitment to a child whose needs are greater than average? Do those who eventually move from wanting "a perfectly-healthy baby" to loving a child with special needs ever harbor secret regrets? Do they end up feeling "cheated" by fate? How does parenting a child with special needs change you and/or your family?

Let's ask those who know best... anyone willing to shed some light on this subject?

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What does it take to be a "special needs family"? What compels someone to make this kind of greater commitment to a child whose needs are greater than average? Do those who eventually move from wanting "a perfectly-healthy baby" to loving a child with special needs ever harbor secret regrets? Do they ever end up feeling "cheated" by fate? How does parenting a child with special needs change you and/or your family?

Let's see where to begin... Harboring secret regrets? or feeling "cheated" by fate? I have felt and said from the beginning and still feel the same way today that the only one who has been cheated of anything is Danny - and unfortunately, I can't ask him whether or not he agrees. We have absolutely no regrets about our adopting Danny. As a father, I am sad for him that he will never have some of the opportunities that healthy children have to play sports, be in school plays, have long talks with best friends, etc..., but in contrast many healthy children will never receive the amount of love and care that Danny and other Special Needs kids get on a daily basis from their teachers and therapists, etc...

It is not a matter of regret or feeling cheated. Instead, it just becomes a matter of changing expectations and altering your reality? Does that make sense?

From a practical sense, parenting on a day to day basis is quite different from what I had expected. For Danny, there is always a hightened sense of awareness - how is he doing, is he happy, comfortable, fed, in all, a constant monitoring of his well-being... For Matthew, our experience with Danny has allowed a more permissive, less restrictive, less frantic approach to what we would have been like had he been our first child. Living with Danny has taught us not to panic at a runny nose or a scratch on the knee...

As I am writing this, I really don't know if this will make any sense to anyone. I guess you can either be angry or accepting of your childs condition. I think, more than anything else, you have to understand that as much as you might have the urge to make this "about you" it is never about you... and it is always "about and for" you child.

That is just my two cents...

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As a father, I am sad for him that he will never have some of the opportunities that healthy children have to play sports, be in school plays, have long talks with best friends, etc..., but in contrast many healthy children will never receive the amount of love and care that Danny and other Special Needs kids get on a daily basis from their teachers and therapists, etc...

Instead, it just becomes a matter of changing expectations and altering your reality?

Dan, I love what you say here.

Karen

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Dan,

I think you have a gift at expressing your feelings and putting them into words!! Your family is truely blessed!!

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So often, I think, folks come to the adoption process wanting to hold out for the ideal case. It's not that they don't want to see children with special needs go without loving homes; they just want to believe that "someone else" can provide that better than they could. They're "not cut out for" it, they tell themselves (and us), without stopping to think what this might suggest about their level of commitment to any child, since all kids fall far from perfect.

But if everyone hid behind that theory, then there'd be no special homes for special kids.

What does it take to be a "special needs family"? What compels someone to make this kind of greater commitment to a child whose needs are greater than average? Do those who eventually move from wanting "a perfectly-healthy baby" to loving a child with special needs ever harbor secret regrets? Do they end up feeling "cheated" by fate? How does parenting a child with special needs change you and/or your family?

As usual, you bring some great food for thought to the table, Elizabeth. Thanks again for always challenging our comfort zones and helping to peel away the blinders we can sometimes hid behind. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Another story of a baby left behind by the would-be adopters who walked out on her after her birth, and the loving arms that found her and took her in, after that: The Miracle of Emma.

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Another story of a baby left behind by the would-be adopters who walked out on her after her birth, and the loving arms that found her and took her in, after that: The Miracle of Emma.

What a bittersweet story!!! I'm so glad she found the right parents for her...poor thing.

I can not believe that a)someone would have in vitro while trying to adopt, B) they would turn the child away. What if thier child from in vitro would have the same ailment??? Would they turn away? Probably not...but alas that is why God made sure she was not this child's mother I presume...

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While I don't think that I could have turned away because of a heart defect, it obviously was no less an easy choice for this woman to walk away. We chastise her for knowing that she couldn't handle a situation, but we applaud birthmothers for having the same strength?

I am so very thankful that this little miracle was found by a family that has embraced her and her potential future afflictions and ailments instead of being a burden to someone and being reminded daily through word or deed that she was not their idea. I love it when families can truly work through some of the worst of issues!

I don't know, I see it as a huge difference. A birthmother did not specifically choose to become a mother by adoption. When you take on this role...as a potential adoptive parent, you must know that the child might have problems, just as if you were to have a biological child. I believe that we as adoptive parents have a bigger responsibility to uphold. To do this to a birthmother...and a child...is heartbreaking. I know it was a struggle to walk away, but at the same time just because we are adoptive parents...do we really have the "right" to choose to walk away after the birth because of medical reasons once we are committed to a match? I of course, have the same issues with parents walking away from thier biological child because of a medical issue. If this wasn't a case of adoption...and just a case of parents walking away specifically only becaue of this child's medical issue...would we not be appalled? Maybe I am judging to harshly knowing she was pg because of IVF also....

Don't get me wrong, if she couldn't handle it then I am very glad she admitted it & walked away. But shouldn't we decide this before hand? If this is the case...we truley cannot handle it, should we only match with babies that are already born? There is always this risk in a pregnancy...

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While I don't think that I could have turned away because of a heart defect, it obviously was no less an easy choice for this woman to walk away. We chastise her for knowing that she couldn't handle a situation, but we applaud birthmothers for having the same strength?

I think the difference is that the birthmothers we "applaud" haven't represented to someone else that they can be relied upon to love and parent another person's child, only to abandon that plan--and that child-- when problems arise?

Every adopting parent has the "right" to walk away from any child they planned to adopt, before or after placement, right up to the time that finalization occurs-- absolutely.

However, one might hope that most conscientious adopting parents think through their plans and deal with their "what-ifs" before a child arrives, so as to not compromise the best interests of that child after he/she is already here...?

What is it that seems to make the "what-ifs" so much more 'negotiable' when one adopts (vs. births) a child? So many folks come to the adoption process saying "all we want is a healthy baby"... but would the same parents-to-be be any more (or less) committed to a child's needs if it were born to them and had problems at birth? Where does the difference lie?

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While I don't think that I could have turned away because of a heart defect, it obviously was no less an easy choice for this woman to walk away. We chastise her for knowing that she couldn't handle a situation, but we applaud birthmothers for having the same strength?

I am so very thankful that this little miracle was found by a family that has embraced her and her potential future afflictions and ailments instead of being a burden to someone and being reminded daily through word or deed that she was not their idea. I love it when families can truly work through some of the worst of issues!

As I have said before, in a perfect world we would all be able to accept any child into our family and no child would have to grow up in "the system". Unfortunately that is not where we are so finding the right family is so crucial for those that have special needs.

Elizabeth, I do have a question. If I filled out all my information and said that I couldn't handle a non-correctible medical issue (the immune deficiency came to mind) and the mom I was matched with gave birth to a child that had such a deficiency, wouldn't it be right for me to deny placement if I really knew that I couldn't handle it? This is just a supposition because there is NO way I am parting with my girls.

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If I filled out all my information and said that I couldn't handle a non-correctible medical issue (the immune deficiency came to mind) and the mom I was matched with gave birth to a child that had such a deficiency, wouldn't it be right for me to deny placement if I really knew that I couldn't handle it?

Of course! As I said earlier, "Every adopting parent has the "right" to walk away from any child they planned to adopt, before or after placement, right up to the time that finalization occurs-- absolutely."

But I think it is helpful to examine how every adopting parent who fills out that information to think about how you would respond if you gave birth to a child with the same ailment, and further explore whether your ability to "handle it" might differ-- and why?

(Although this particular case is obviously specific to the special needs thread, keep in mind that the reasons potential adoptive parents "walk away" from babies in the hospital aren't alway medically-related... sometimes it happens due to gender, or skin color, or hair color, even! Go figure!?)

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But I think it is helpful to examine how every adopting parent who fills out that information to think about how you would respond if you gave birth to a child with the same ailment, and further explore whether your ability to "handle it" might differ-- and why?

(Although this particular case is obviously specific to the special needs thread, keep in mind that the reasons potential adoptive parents "walk away" from babies in the hospital aren't alway medically-related... sometimes it happens due to gender, or skin color, or hair color, even! Go figure!?)

I love these thought-provoking posts and it would be great to hear other's take on things, but I also understand that it isn't always the fun thing to go against the norm.

On that note, I don't necessarily always post what I believe but rather play devil's advocate to put the less popular thought out there. I do think that we might never be able to understand why someone walks away from the placement of a child (even if they tried to explain it). I am thinking that in some of these cases, we should just be thankful that the child didn't end up in the home of those that walked away.

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But I think it is helpful to examine how every adopting parent who fills out that information to think about how you would respond if you gave birth to a child with the same ailment, and further explore whether your ability to "handle it" might differ-- and why?

(Although this particular case is obviously specific to the special needs thread, keep in mind that the reasons potential adoptive parents "walk away" from babies in the hospital aren't alway medically-related... sometimes it happens due to gender, or skin color, or hair color, even! Go figure!?)

I love these thought-provoking posts and it would be great to hear other's take on things, but I also understand that it isn't always the fun thing to go against the norm.

On that note, I don't necessarily always post what I believe but rather play devil's advocate to put the less popular thought out there. I do think that we might never be able to understand why someone walks away from the placement of a child (even if they tried to explain it). I am thinking that in some of these cases, we should just be thankful that the child didn't end up in the home of those that walked away.

I whole heartedly agree!! I also love others who step out & challenge a belief...it makes you look at an issue from another side. Makes you step back & think about things. :)

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  • 9 months later...

I realize this thread has been inactive for awhile, but it really struck a nerve with me and I needed to comment.

Matt and I have been on the active list (for the past year) of the agency that we adopted our son Talmage through. We do not understand all the circumstances surrounding the situation, but we were just shocked when we heard that a matched couple (from our same agency) had changed their mind after the infant had been born quite premature. The extent of this baby's medical issues would not be fully realized for some time.

Maybe the birthmother had looked at our profile and decided we were not the couple to adopt her baby. Maybe this chosen couple was in a financial situation where they did not feel they could comfortably support this child. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

We do know that the the trust the birthmother had placed in others was broken. We do know that she struggled as she tried to choose another family. We do know that eventually, this little baby was placed in a loving home, in another state, a few months later. We do know that the birthmother stayed at her baby's bedside in the NICU throughout that period of the unknown. We know that she loved this baby with all her heart.

Where does an adoptive couple draw the line for what they will or will not be willing to accept in an infant? There are some factors that we would have control over if we were to have our own biological child, but for the most part, we really don't have much say in the final outcome. How is this different than agreeing (pre-delivery) to adopt a child that ends up being born with an unanticipated impairment, illness, or other affliction? It isn't. That child is still the child we have agreed to love, to hold in our arms, to cherish, to smother with kisses and hugs, regardless of how he/she came into our lives.

Would my ability to "handle it" be any different if I had given birth vs. adopting such a child? I don't think so. Why would it be any different being the adoptive mother?

My heart would ache as a mother, regardless of being the "birth" or "adoptive" mother. Just as I love our little Talmage no differently than I love his brothers that I gave birth to. :)

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I've wondered that too. I always assumed that some couples who are hoping to adopt keep themselves at a distance until placement, since until then they don't know for sure that that baby will really be their baby. Doing so might keep them emotionally safer from the hurt that would accompany a change in placement plans. I think a couple that has kept their distance would have an easier time rejecting placement for no other reason than they don't want to deal with the problems that could be associated with a special needs child. But just not wanting to deal with it is one thing. I also think money and time has to be a factor. I know that if Karina were to be born special needs I would want to enroll her in quality programs for someone with her needs. I'd want to be sure she'd receive excellent medical care. I'd want to be able to be home with her any time she needed me. For someone with special needs this could be much more costly and time consuming than parenting a healthy child. So i can see why a couple might turn down a special needs baby, but if a couple has the resources to care for a special needs baby and they turn them down just because they don't want to deal with it, well then that's going to be between them and God.

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