Jump to content

IVF: To do, or not to do?


ElizabethAnn

Recommended Posts

A number of couples in our orientation groups speak of their past struggles with the IVF decision; whether to do it, or not to do it? How to justify the costs? How to balance the ethical implications?

Everybody has to make their own best decisions, of course. (Just as in adoption.) Obviously there's no one-size-fits-all answer for anybody. But it seems to make for an interesting discussion.

What was your experience in this area? What are your thoughts?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What a great topic - it's also one of those (at least for me) "if I knew then what I know now" sort of things.

I don't think I'd ever be able to verbalize completely & coherently everything we discussed and went through during IVF but I'll try my best to cover the basics of it.

Okay, where to begin.....I guess the beginning (I'll really try to make this brief but for me, it's important to start at what the driver was for me to go to the lengths of IVF in order to try to achieve a pregnancy)

As most everyone on this forum knows, I found out I was pregnant my senior year of high school and placed my daughter for adoption at birth. I had about 6 months to "think" about my pregnancy and decision (I learned I was pregnant when I was 3 months along) and was very comfortable with the decision I made except it put this fear in my mind of how ironic it would be if this was my only pregnancy & child - I just feared so much that somehow, I'd never be able to get pregnant again and would spend the rest of my life regretting that I placed my only child for adoption. It was a very, very real fear and one I thought of often.

Flash forward 9 years, I met my soul mate Lance, fell in love and we got married! I was 27 and I managed to last 6 months without wanting to try to get pregnant (we had originally discussed being married 5 years before trying to get pregnant). That little voice in my head though kicked in and said "What if you don't get pregnant right away...if you wait 5 years to even start trying, that would make you 32...then if there are "issues", it will probably be another 5 years before you actually become a parent (I was thinking 2 - 3 yrs of infertility treatments then another 2 years of trying to adopt)....why not start trying NOW?" Lance and I discussed it (he's 11 years older than me so if I was going to be 37 by the time we became parents, that would make him 48 which wasn't as convincing to him of our "urgency" to start trying as it was when I told him that would mean he would be 66 when our child was a senior in high school. We started trying that day. I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. I bought books that explained how to get pregnant and so began my obsession with getting pregnant.

For some people (i.e. me), the monthly process of getting pregnant and failing to do so becomes this really weird thing where it feels as though there is a goal and I'm not achieving it - I can't really describe what it's like other than it just gets really, really, really out of control and it just ate at my heart and soul every single day. I was consumed with the idea of "beating this sense of failure". I taped Baby Story every day and watched it as soon as I came home from work - some days, I sat on the edge of our bed with my purse still on my arm while watching it - imagining that would be me someday - I'd get to experience the pregnant stomach, the baby kicking, the questions and comments from strangers about when am I due, have I picked out a name, etc etc etc, the pain of labor, the feeling of the baby being laid on top of chest after he/she was born and Lance and I lovingly gazing at one another as we admired this perfect little person that we had lovingly created. I would ride in a wheelchair holding my little bundle of joy while Lance pushed a cart of flowers and we'd get into our car and ride off together with our baby and live happily ever after. It was so real to me that I could close my eyes and almost feel it happening. Well, that fairy tale just made my yearning worse - I visited my ob/gyn after about 6 months and said I knew we had issues because I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant and there's no way it shouldn't be working unless there are issues. She said I still had to wait until we'd been trying for 1 year before she'd do tests. Hmph!

Everyone around me was getting pregnant - my neighbor started trying to get pregnant and within 4 months was pregnant and I was still trying and had been trying for a year. It's like this carrot was being dangled in front of me and I reached a point where I would just do anything to get it - I wanted it more than anything. There were so many emotional things that went along with this - especially to do with placing my daughter for adoption - I also was wanting so much to be able to put some closure to that experience through being able to experience a pregnancy where you're in a committed, loving relationship - I wanted to experience being pregnant with my husband and going through everything with him, the doctor's appointments, the birthing class, the labor and delivery - my first pregnancy was pretty miserable and I labored and gave birth alone other than the nurse who came in to check on me - I wanted to replace those memories with completely different ones. I was on a major mission to get pregnant and just had to have it happen.

Finally, we reached the 1 yr mark where she would do testing - we learned, not surprisingly, that we had "issues" that were preventing us from getting pregnant. My ob referred us to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who told us that based on our "issues" (we have male factor infertility), IVF ICSI was our best chance at achieving a pregnany. We signed up and felt confident it would work - I would only pay attention to the statistics that were positive because I just believed this would work for us, of course it would! It didn't. I don't know how to describe the experience of going through IVF other than I really, really hated it. I don't think I hated it then but the moment I found out I wasn't pregnant, I hated it and never wanted to go through it again. I began researching adoption at that point and had a really great friend who had just adopted (after years of infertility treatments including AI, IVF) a beautiful baby boy.

Lance though wasn't ready to give up on IVF. I'll never forget our dinner conversation where it was discussed and decided that adoption wasn't our next step - Lance has hazy memories of that evening but I remember the restaurant, what we ordered, everything. I had been reading all these books about adoption and Lance and I had been talking about it (mostly me reading stuff to him and him nodding and listening to me) but we hadn't really had a heart to heart about what the next step was. At some point, I had moved beyond wanting to get pregnant and just wanted to be a mom - the path to becoming a mom wasn't as important to me as just becoming a mom - all the energy I had put into trying to get pregnant was now directed at just wanting the joy of holding my baby and knowing that some day, I'd hear the words "Mommy". Lance, for whatever reason, wasn't in the same place as me and I found that very, very, very painful to accept - it was a really miserable evening for me and I went through so many emotions and feelings that I couldn't even share them with him because I just had this overwhelming rush of things happening in my head so I just kept quiet. I was very angry though and prayed that he would change his mind at some point.

So, I decided that I just couldn't handle another IVF any time soon and since Lance wasn't ready to commit to adoption - I decided to focus my energy on something else so I took the LSAT and was planning to apply to law school then work as an attorney for a few years and re-visit the IVF thing when I'm 40, hoping that by then, they'll have it all figured out and anyone who wants to get pregnant will be able to. Plans were going along well - I took the LSAT, was in the process of doing my applications and then Lance got transferred (we were living in Dallas at the time and were transferred to Seattle). I looked into the law schools in Seattle and one of them wasn't very appealing to me and the other was really, really tough to get into. I had decent LSAT scores but not good enough (I felt) to get into UW.

We moved to Seattle, I found a short term job and Lance & I had another heart to heart baby discussion and we found a great RE here and attempted our 2nd IVF. This one was worse than the first one. I don't know what the deal was but either the experience of it or the hormones or something turned me into this person I didn't even know - I was totally, totally miserable and paranoid and impossible to be around but in a way, I felt like Lance deserved all the craziness I was causing him because after all, I was only going through this for him, my heart was completely not into it. I got the call at the end of June 2002 that I wasn't pregnant (no suprise) and that doctor (bless her soul) scheduled a sort of de-briefing appointment with us soon after. It was awesome - she told us that she wouldn't really recommend that we continue with IVF/infertility treatments as I just didn't respond well. Those were the best words I ever heard and I guess they were the words Lance needed to hear because when we went home and talked about what would come next - he was open to moving forward with adoption. He wasn't gung-ho on it but he was supportive so I put things in motion. The book that really helped me through his lack of enthusiasm was called "An Empty Lap" by Jill Smowlowe. It was the true story of their infertility and adoption journey and her husband was really, really reluctant about the adoption - Lance appeared eager if you compared him with how Jill's husband was. Then, at the end of the story - they adopt a little girl from China and her husband just completely adores and loves, etc etc etc their daughter - it gave me the hope I needed to know that someone can change. It's not that Lance didn't want to adopt (to be honest, he was never very enthusiastic about all the stuff we went through to get pregnant), he just would tell me that he didn't share my urgent need to be a parent but that he knew he did want to be a parent...someday....I was just kind of accelerating things.

Well, when Lance landed at the Austin, Tx airport (Kayleigh was born in Austin - I actually was in Dallas when we got the call so I flew first from Dallas to Austin and Lance joined me later that evening, he flew from Seattle to Austin), whatever reluctance, etc he had was completely gone - he was so extremely eager to see and meet Kayleigh (I had already met her) and asked me a million questions about her. We went to the hospital together and he held her and wouldn't put her down and wouldn't let me hold again - he said I'd already had my time with her before he got there. They bonded instantly and now....well, the 2 are extremely close. One of the many things he has said about Kayleigh that really sticks in my mind is one evening, he thanked me for being so persistent about becoming parents and he said he never knew how much he needed her.

Anyway, kind of veered off the subject of IVF but I guess in a way, it all sort of goes together.

So... my thoughts about IVF - well, I've said so many times to Lance that if someone could have shown me a crystal ball (before we did IVF) and said, "here is your little girl Kayleigh - this is the daughter you will have", I would have never, ever, ever gone through what I went through - I wouldn't have done IVF, I wouldn't have put my life on hold like I did because really, for the 4'ish years we were either trying to get pregnant or trying to adopt, my life was completely revolved around becoming a mommy - I couldn't/didn't enjoy anything - it was all I thought about and the only thing I wanted. But...there are no crystal balls so I guess I would say that all that had to happen for us to get to where we are now. I am so grateful though that we never did achieve a pregnancy because I'm not sure I would have been able to let my original fairy tale go as easily as I did. I watched this thing recently on Oprah - Brooke Shields was on there talking about her IVF experiences and how she got pregnant once and miscarried and so it just became this obsession with her - she knew she had gotten pregnant once so if she did it once, she could do it again so she just kept trying again and again and again (I think her baby was the 7th IVF they did?). I have a feeling I would have been like that. Getting the closure I needed from the last RE we saw was such a blessing - it was what I needed to hear and it helped me so much change my mind set about how one becomes a mom - it allowed me to embrace adoption the way it should be. I'm also very thankful that Lance and I had also discussed very early on that we didn't want to be one of those couples who spend $50,000 & years and years on infertility treatments. We had set a time and expense limit which was good to do before starting the infertility treatments because I think it helped keep us in check. We absolutely didn't want to spend more than 5 years trying to have a baby - as it turned out, it was almost exactly 5 years from the day we started trying until the day Kayleigh came home....in a way, I don't think that was a coincidence. Each IVF was around $7,000 and to me the risk associated with it (the risk of becoming parents versus not becoming parents) was high. Adoption, although each attempt is significantly more than an IVF attempt has a much lower risk (again, in terms of becoming a parent versus not becoming a parent...and again, this is all my own "analysis" so to speak). Adoption seemed a sure thing to me - eventually, we would be able to become parents whereas we could spend the rest of our lives doing IVF and it may never be successful. I had just decided that I wanted to be a mom so much more than I wanted to not be a mom or to deal with all the uncertainty that goes with IVF...and so adoption at the time we did it was so totally the right thing for us and the life I have today with Kayleigh as my daughter just soooo totally blows that other fairy tale of being pregnant out of the water - I can't imagine anything better than being her mom. She and I and Lance were all just meant for each other,

-Lisa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jason and I struggled with this descision for 4 years and finally decided to try IVF, 3 times. For us the decision came after much prayer and finally concluding that ALL life comes from God, he alone creates the miricle that becomes a baby and then He alone breathes life into that baby. God also has given Dr.'s the knowledge to perform the procedure, God guides their hand and God decides weather a baby is to be born.

This was a very difficult descision for us. I have several friends who are wonderful biological parents after having IVF. One of my friends had IVF, 2 empryos transfered and 8 months later she had triplets, 3 little boys, 2 are identical twins. God has a plan for everyone, the Dr placed 2 embryos and 3 babies were born, God and God alone can pull that one off!

Would I do it all over again? Yep, it has been part of our path in this process and we have learned and grown each step of the way. I definaltely don't take the miricle of life for granted like I once did. I look at it through very different eyes these days. cool.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi everyone,

My husband and I feel very lucky to have bypassed the whole IVF experience. Our decision was fairly "easy" one...as a nursing student I worked in an infertility clinic and saw as many happy as sad outcomes. Now as a labor nurse, I again see many beautiful miracles as a result of IVF but the tragic stories remain and I was worried that we just may be one of those "tragic" stories. I think my career has helped me not to feel the void that some may feel by missing out on their own pregnancy and L&D experience. I wouldn't trade places with some of my patients for the world for the sole outcome of a biological child. I was blessed that my husband shared this view and didn't consider IVF as an option...he felt strongly that adoption was our route to having a family and thank God we found Abrazo and were enlightened about open adoptions! Our daughter is the highlight of our days, she brings our entire family so much joy...it's hard to imagine life without her!

You just never know where life is going to lead and we all must follow the path chosen for us to reach each destination...I know that successful families are plentiful as a result of IVF as well; we just have to follow our hearts and our children will find us one way or another! smile.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We never did IVF, but we did have several appts. with a doctor to get prepared for IVF. The doctors had told us in order for it to work I need to have surgery to remove my tubes. A week before that surgery I just didn't feel right about it. I don't think that IVF it is wrong by any means, but maybe not the right choice for us. The doctors only gave us a 80% chance of getting pregnant, but I knew of a girl in our town who had just adopted a son from TX that choice was 100% for her and her husband. During that week I just felt in my heart that we were suppose to adopt and if we went through with the surgery I still would not get pregnant.

I think I told Chris that I didn't want the surgery about four days before it was scheduled. He was thrilled because he wanted to start the adoption pathway along time before me.

I too have known many people who were very successful with IVF. It is just a matter of choice. I totally agree with Cath follow your heart and at the end of your search will be your happiness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like Cath, I am a nurse and had worked with a group of RE's. It was in the late 80's when I did this, and IVF was fairly new and the success rate was not very good. Donor egg in-vitro was not even being done at that time. Fast forward to the late 90's when I was itching to have a child... my doctor educated me on donor egg IVF and showed me mountains of statistical information supporting the procedure. We elected to try it... we were pretty lucky because I got pregnant with the first complete cycle. It resulted in a beautifully healthy, term baby boy. A few years later when we decided that baby #2 was in our future, we were not so lucky... we attempted several times before I got pregnant and it resulted in a 21 week fetal demise. I was devistated and I was not willing to try that route again. We had never been against adoption, but it seemed like a huge hurtle. Having sustained the loss of a baby, and still wanting a child it was the logical route to take. Michael came along exactly 1 year minus one day that our baby had died and he has been a gift from heaven. In retrospect (hindsight is always 20/20) adoption is not nearly as scarey as we had imagined. Had we persued adoption when we first considered children, we would have been younger parents.... and at times, I wish we had been a little younger when our children were born... but as I have said in previous posts, I think that the road to parenthood had to be a little rocky for us, as we probably would have not appreciated the gift of children had we not had to suffer a little. To answer the question that Elizabeth posed.... how we grow our families is really irrelavant.... IVF works some of the time.... adoption works... more often..... I think the road to parenthood is guided by God.... for some IVF, some adoption..... some both....

Jeannie smile.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To answer the question that Elizabeth posed.... how we grow our families is really irrelavant.... IVF works some of the time.... adoption works... more often..... I think the road to parenthood is guided by God.... for some IVF, some adoption..... some both....

Jeannie smile.gif

16274[/snapback]

I totally agree, each person is led to parenthood differently. Thanks for sharing, I love hearing everyone's stories, they are all so interesting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Marcelo and I did not go the IVF route. I have learned to "never say never" though. At this time in our lives, adoption feels right! I don't disagree with IVF, but I just feel like you can't push something on yourself that just doesn't quite fit at the moment. Adoption is something that we feel very strong about and we want to do this before anything else. Who is to say that we may feel differently in a year or two about going through IVF, but for now, we look forward to gazing upon the precious baby that will be with us very soon!

Thanks for asking,

Claudia tongue.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mickey and I did not do IVF. It was never even entertained in our minds. We just knew in our hearts for years that adoption was what we were called to do.

I agree that everyone must follow his or her own heart. There is no doubt in my mind that adoption is the way in which God intends for us to build our family. That doesn't mean that adoption is for everyone...just like IVF is for some and not for others. But in our case adoption was the way to go.

Thank you God for planting the seed in our heart. Hugs and kisses to the angels at Abrazo for giving me the most precious child one could hope for.

With love from my overflowing heart,

Elaine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Patrick and I didn't do IVF, but we did use a donor and do IUI. I wasn't particularly a fan of doing it, but Patrick wanted to exhaust all possible means, and I agreed to it. I'm not at all disappointed now that we didn't get pregnant even though during the 6 months of doing the IUIs I was emotionally exhausted with the let downs each month.

Now, I'm glad we chose to go through the IUI process for several reasons: 1) God knows I'm not the most patient person when it came to becoming a mommy. And filling my time with fertility treatments, killed some time till His perfect time was complete and we were to have the child He meant for us to have. 2) It has expanded my ministry to other women who are going thru fertility and adoption. 3) The outcome -- Erin (4 1/2) and Pearce (9 months).

Life is a journey made of choices. God's path for one isn't necessarily what He has chosen for another. You just have to believe He will deliver.

Kristy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now, I'm glad we chose to go through the IUI process for several reasons: 1) God knows I'm not the most patient person when it came to becoming a mommy. And filling my time with fertility treatments, killed some time till His perfect time was complete and we were to have the child He meant for us to have. 2) It has expanded my ministry to other women who are going thru fertility and adoption. 3) The outcome -- Erin (4 1/2) and Pearce (9 months).

Life is a journey made of choices. God's path for one isn't necessarily what He has chosen for another. You just have to believe He will deliver.

Kristy

16283[/snapback]

Sorry I keep quoting people but these words speak to my heart. I too believe in God's perfect timing and love thinking of our infertility treatments as God keeping me busy until his perfect time and perfect plan are revealed. I am plenty curious about that time and plan! Even now I know it is beyond my wildest dreams. I also feel very strongly that God has a child or children meant for Jason and I, he wouldn't have planted the strong desire to be parents and the love for children in us if he didn't. .

Again, thanks for "words of wisdom" from someone who's been there.

Kristen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kristy - I LOVE it! I had never thought about all the bumps in our road as being a way to keep us occupied until our child was "ready." Even though that is almost exactly what I told Kati over the weekend when she asked about being born "later" (what she meant was what if she had been born when her B-mom's circumstances were different) and I explained that, even though this is very hard to understand, if she had been born at any other time, she wouldn't be who she is now.

IF I had been able to get pregnant ...

IF our first adoption hadn't failed ... (private adoption through an attorney)

IF we hadn't been too scared of adoption after that abysmal experience to even think of trying adoption again until 15 years later ... (Abrazo didn't exist until 1994)

IF IVF hadn't been so expensive ... and so seemingly futile ...

Then we wouldn't be the family we are meant to be today!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have never had to go throught the things you all have when it comes to having a baby or a family. But, the couple that adopted my baby had tried IVF several times and it never worked for them. Then they adopted and a few years later decided that they want another child so they went ahead and tried IVF one more time now they have three beautiful boys. They were told that IVF seems to work better for people who already have a child, I guess in part because the stress isn't so much and if it don't they already have a family. But I just thought I would share this with those of you who are interested.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also think that God doesn't make mistakes. I believe He is totally in control (when I allow Him). In addition, I don't think God wastes anything. He can use anything that comes into our lives to glorify and edify Him while making us stronger. So, no matter the path that led you to adoption, God probably will be using your journey for more than just becoming a mommy...if we allow Him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...