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To New BirthGrandparents


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Just wanted to launch a "getting acquainted" spot for any visiting parents of those who are placing children for adoption!! As you may have noted, you're known as "BirthGrandparents", because your sons or daughters are giving life to (or have already birthed) wonderful children extra-loved, not only by you and your family but also by very grateful adopting couples who couldn't otherwise be parents due to infertility.

It's not an easy thing to go through, when your child makes the lifelong decision to place their baby for adoption. It hurts to see someone you love face such a painful choice. But this can become one of life's most beautiful experiences, also, if you have the opportunity to get to know your future grandchild's adoptive parents and build a kinship with them.

And (depending on the circumstances) this can offer your precious grandbaby the best of both worlds: the security of a stable home with loving, fulltime parents as well as a special and ongoing connection with his or her relatives by blood. There's more than enough room for everyone to love that little one-- after all, who ever heard of children getting too much love?!

So, welcome, friends! You're not alone. Need to share your story? Pour out your heart? Ask a question? You'll find lots of support within our Forum; this here's a warm and caring corner, just for you. Because open adoption is like the family dinner table--there's room for you, too, with plenty of elbow space, so come sit for a spell and speak your piece.  :)

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  • 1 month later...
Guest John/Jane Doe

[Long story short.  Daughter made a mistake.  Pregnancy resulted.  Adoption was done.  All fine and good.]  We respect Life.  We are proud she did not abort.  She chose good parents for the baby, nice people.  [but they are not our people.]  She and the boyfriend want to carry on some connection with them.  That is their choice.   [but not ours.]    We feel it is time for the families to go separate ways.  [Now that its over with.]  This was harder on us and our relatives than any body knows.  So We don't want any reminders.  [Actually it was quite humiliating for our family though we would not say that to her.]  Now let's put it behind us.  If our daughter wants to communicate with them, all right.  But must we hear about it? We want to keep our town and work associates from finding out. Because we need what ever little privacy we have left.  This may sound harsh but!  We just want things back the way it was before this happened.  That is all.

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Your pain comes through in your honest post.  Perhaps if you expressed exactly what you said in your post to your daughter she would understand.  Your post expressed the acceptance of a "mistake" made, the pride you take in the decision to give this child life, and the recognition of the choice of good adoptive parents.  You have a need to keep the events private.  It is your need to maintain comfort in your community and workplace.  Your need for privacy should be respected just as you respect your daughter's need for continued contact with her birthchild and the adoptive family.  The connection they have is real and does make them family.  Is it your wish that you not  have contact, not have any information, never see photos or hear of milestones?  Perhaps you could reach a compromise.  Maybe you could agree to view pictures and listen to your daughter's proud rendition of her birthchild's latest accomplishments at predetermined intervals.  This will be as difficult for her as losing your privacy would be for you.  I hope that you and your daughter can come to an understanding so that both of your needs are met.  Believers in open adoption feel that a child's needs are best met when they know their history with full disclosure.  The fact remains that you do have a grandchild.  You do have a choice to be a part of that child's life or not.  Your daughter is now a mother and she has a choice to be a part of that child's life, too.  It is in the child's best interest to be loved and  cared for by as many people as possible and for them to know how their life came to be as it is.  It isn't as you had hoped and dreamed it would be, but sometimes the best things come from what seems to be the worst at first.  Thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings.  I hope that you and your daughter can continue the open honest communication and that you reach a compromise that benefits everyone involved.  God bless you and your family.

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Hi John/Jane Doe,

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here - I find it always enlightening to hear other's perspectives on their role in an adoption.

I'm not sure if you're looking for opinions or ideas from those of us here...but I'm never one to keep mine to myself so I just wanted to add something...take it for what its worth and hopefully you realize this is just totally my opinion - everyone is different - you know your daughter better than anyone else.

I have to say that there is a part of GardenofHope's post I disagree with and I'm sure I'm in the minority....anyway, I'm all for open communication - without a doubt.  However, I don't think I would recommend sharing with your daughter exactly the thoughts/sentiments you shared in your post.  If I put myself in her shoes (and again, I have no idea what your daughter is like), I have a feeling she knows already how you feel about things.  I'm sure she knows that you respect and support her decision to not terminate her pregnancy and also that you're not fully supportive of her decision to have ongoing contact and a relationship with her child's parents - and her child.  I think that by sitting down and talking about that will just result in both sides walking away from a very uncomfortable discussion and not being any further along in understanding where one another are coming from.

I placed my birth-daughter for adoption 15 years ago in a closed adoption (the kind it seems you wish your daughter had been involved in).  Mine was closed because that is how most adoptions were done then and so it was what it was.  I did feel a lot of shame from my pregnancy and my adoption plans but not as much as my mom did.  I still talked about it to people I worked with and people I met - I didn't always tell everyone but if it seemed an appropriate thing to bring up in a conversation, I did.

My mom (my parents were divorced and my dad and I weren't on speaking terms) on the other hand felt that an unplanned pregnancy was definitely not something you go around telling anyone and you hide that sort of thing and it's not something to talk about in any conversation...ever.  She didn't want anyone she worked with or was friends with (there were a couple of friends she confided in) knowing about it and I knew that without her coming out and saying so.  I'm so glad she never confronted me with that - it would have hurt my feelings beyond anything I could imagine - I was already dealing with so many emotions related to the pregnancy and adoption - I didn't want to hear my mom tell me how ashamed she was (even though she was very supportive of my decision to place my daughter for adoption...etc - she was my rock during the entire thing but still...she was very embarassed that I had gotten myself into such a thing) and didn't want to know that she didn't want her friends to know...even though I knew how she felt so I respected her feelings and didn't talk about it around her co-workers, etc.  I also had to keep it all hidden from my niece & nephew (I have 2 sisters - one sister chose to share with her son (he was about 11 at the time) and he saw me throughout the pregnancy...my other sister felt her children were too young and didn't want them to know (they were 11 & 7 at the time).  So, I couldn't see them once I started showing and my due date was in February so that Christmas was spent alone (my mom worked on Christmas).  My sister never was comfortable sharing any of that with her children so one day, on my birth-daughter's birthday, I told my niece a brief version of the story (she was about 14 or 15).  Her reaction was very sweet and curious and touching...my sister on the other hand was pretty furious that I'd told my niece (she found out several months later)...but she's over it now and it's talked about freely in the family although after all this time - it's not something that comes up on a day-to-day basis like it used to.

So anyway, I can see your side of things - I can also see your daughter's...I wish I understood more about the whys from your perspective (I have a feeling that my daughter's birthfamily doesn't want contact with us (including her birthmother) for many of the same reasons you go into in your post (just to confuse things even more...I'm also a mother through adoption - my husband & I adopted our daughter through Abrazo in December 2002).  I keep thinking there's something we did wrong that makes them not want to be a part of our life - that there's something we could do different to encourage them to be in contact with us....

Anyway, just my 2 cents...

Best wishes to you and your family for a happy future...

Lisa :)

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I have thought about your post all day.  I have felt angry that you do not want to listen to your daughter when she wants to talk about the adoption.  If you think this has been hard on you, just imagine what she is going through?  Your daughter has made a lifelong decision that she has to come to terms with.  Sounds like maybe she is further along with accepting her adoption plan that you are.  Maybe communication with the adoptive family and pictures give her great comfort and validates her decision.  Who better to share this information with than you?  Why do you have to feel ashamed or embarrassed?  Put yourself in her shoes for just a moment.  What would you want from your loved ones?  Understanding...Lots of hugs...someone to share your pain.  Stand up for your daughter and be proud of the decision she was able to make for her baby.  To you, maybe an unplanned pregnancy is the worst thing, but truly it is not.  You now have an extended family thanks to your courageous daughter.  God has guided your grandbaby to a family that will not be ashamed of its beginning.  You daughter will never forget her precious baby, why should you?  You cannot erase the past and just move on like it never happened.  Remember your daughter had lots of choices during her pregnancy including not confiding in you.  She needed you then and she needs you now.  Please be there for her... always.         Karen

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  • 1 year later...

My daughter got pregnant and contemplated abortion. She decided to give the baby up for adoption and I back her completely. She has grown up through all of this (she's just 19) and realizes she can barely take care of herself. I am proud of her for making the tough decision, because this is a huge sacrifice for her. Some people I work with are surprised because they think I should have decided to raise her baby. I explain to them that I had no interest in starting over, and with the open adoption, its not like the child will be out of our lives forever. I listen to my daughter talk about the adoptive mother and I find I really like what I hear. The adoptive mother longs for this baby and this baby deserves to be with someone who WANTS it and yearns to love it.

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Of all the things I really wanted to say I will say this as a birthmother, If I hadn't had the family support I have I would have been emotionally drained but because my family is so supportive and willing to listen to what I have to say about my birth child I am not as emotionally torn as I could have been. When a person has to give a child a better home with other people it is the hardest decision they could ever face and the fact that they can have an open relationship makes that decision easier. And we as birthparents, we need the love and understanding from our own parents to share the joy and the pain with. I live in a very small town and I am able to have the relationship with the adoptive parents and my family without the town knowing. It is possible to have your privacy and still be there for her when she wants to talk about the child. I am really believing that the fact that you don't want it brought up is really an emotional pain you have not come to terms with and it is more your sadness that makes this subject unbearable then the fact that others may find out about it. I can say your daughter needs you to be there for her when she needs you the most, which is right now. And a lot has changed since then and now and nothing will ever be the same as it was before. No one after have a child can just pick up where they left off and move on. My mothers birthgrandparents will say that. They tired it and it didn't work it just cost them the relationship they use to have with their daughter.

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smarkum: welcome!!!

We're so glad you've posted, and hope you'll continue to share with us. Adoption is never an easy choice, and for a 19-year-old to have the courage, maturity and wisdom to make such a plan says alot about the person that she is and the parenting that helped shape the woman that she's becoming ! Congratulations on raising a daughter who is helping bring about the answer to another family's prayers. What a blessing she is, and what a blessing to have your support in all this.

Have you talked with (or met) the prospective adoptive family? As birthgrandmother, you're somebody special, and I'm sure they'd welcome you into their lives, as well!

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Yes, I have met the adoptive mother, and I really like her. I think she will be an excellent mother for my grandson. She is so excited and I am so excited for her.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all,

I'm looking for some answers, and as I don't have contact with the birthgrandparents of my children, I was hoping someone here could help me.

Earlier this evening I received a heart-wrenching phone call from our birthmom. Her mother had just found out about the adoption, and had spent at least an hour attacking her daughter for the decision she had made. She dredged up every issue from the past, even "you were a mistake, I never wanted you". She accused her of not loving or caring for her kids (older children birthmom is raising) and even called her a dog because only dogs kill their young (which is innaccurate, but nonetheless a horrible thing to say). To make matters worse, this was done in front of the older children.

My heart just broke. I didn't know what to say, at first. I didn't know if BP just needed to vent, if she needed me to reassure her, or what. We still don't know each other all that well, so I didn't want to say anything out of line. After more details of the fight, though, I couldn't help myself and had to step to BP's defense. I told her, probably a dozen times, that no matter what her mother said, she had done nothing wrong. I could tell from what she told me that her mom has many unresolved issues from her own past and she displaces those onto her daughter. I also think her mother feels guilt for bad things that have happened to her daughter that she didn't (maybe couldn't) prevent, but because she doesn't like to feel guilty, turns the blame onto her daughter. It's sort of self-preservation instinct, I think.

Let me be clear in saying that I assured BP that we do not hate her mother for the way she has treated BP, etc. But that she, our BP, is our priority and so I am sad and mad for her. I told her I just wanted to go down there and yell at her myself, though I knew that wouldn't help. I offered to speak to her, write her, send her pictures, whatever she thinks might help. But, neither of us think that her mom will listen. BP tried over and over to get her mom to sit down and talk this out. She told her how she had longed to share this with her but was afraid to (based on past experience). By the time she gave up and walked out, the children were scared and BP was beside herself.

I am so humbled that she thought to call me. I am so glad that I didn't just freeze and try to "blow it off". BP needed me and I was able to be there for her. It seems the least I could do for what she has given me. It also really proved to me that when I say, "I want what's best for you" to her, I mean it with every fiber of my being. She is part of my family and I love her. I didn't say "I love you" to her, because I'm not sure she's ready to hear that, yet, but I do.

I'm thinking of writing a letter to BP's mom, but sending it to BP so that she can read it and decide whether to pass it on. In it, I think I would be able to say things that both of them need to hear and it being easier for BP to hear in that venue.

All of this made me call my mom and thank her for being a good mom. She wasn't perfect, but I never doubted her love for me or that she would be in my corner when push came to shove. Now, I feel like I need to do that, not only for my own children, but for the woman who placed her child in my arms.

So, I'm asking if my response sounds reasonable and if I'm on the right track with how I have dealt and intend to deal with this tragic aspect of my child's adoption. Also, how much or what should I tell my child about this? I don't want BP to have to explain this if our child asks her the difficult questions. I know she's already dreading explaining why she placed this child but not the older ones, etc. Child is way too young to understand any of this, yet, but at the same time I don't want to wait to long and leave her vulnerable to someone else's telling her something (biosibs, etc.).

I'd love to hear the opinion of birthgrandparents. I know that our birthgrandmother must be hurting. First there was a lie, which never starts things off well. And then there are the past issues that make new wounds eversomuch worse. I can't imagine what she is feeling, so I ache for her, as well. But, I'm still furious that she can be so hurtful to her own child. It's confusing and disturbing. To top it all off, neither I nor our BP would allow her to see our child in the tense and abusive situation that currently exists. So, she is not only alienating her daughter (who she disowned during all of this) but losing all opportunity to know that grandchild she's so furious about not having around.

Please know that BP never intended for the lie to be maintained forever. She just hadn't figured out how to tell her, especially since she expected something like what happened. We were encouraging her to share with her mother and we all considered having her meet us at Camp Abrazo, but that did not work out.

Okay, I'll quit venting and wait for your responses. I'm counting on you, birthfamilies, to help me help our birthfamily.

Thank you,

Christina

Edited by cgrace
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Hi, cgrace! First of all, let me say I am very sorry for the pain this birthgrandmother's response has caused her daughter (your birthmom) and you, as well. To learn that one has "lost" a grandchild by any means is surely painful, and especially after the fact! but to lash back at the mother who also suffered a loss to give her child a better life is cruel and unnecessary.

That said, know that you cannot fix a lifetime of problems for anybody else. Perhaps this mother and daughter have always struggled with the terms of their relationship and the adoption is simply providing convenient fodder to continue the power struggle. Perhaps this grandmother has unresolved losses of her own or feels guilt over her daughter's need to exclude her from the plan and she is projecting her own emotions onto this situation. Perhaps there are cultural prohibitions that prevent the birthgrandmother from being able to accept her daughter's brave choice for her child's future. Whatever the issue, you are not the problem: you are the solution and your only duty is to love these people for being your daughter's birthfamily and to raise her to honor them as well. (And knowing you, we know you do!)

We have to give folks space to feel what they feel. Birthgrandparents may never accept the choices their children make for their young, but unless they were the sole providers for those grandchildren or had a significant relationship with them prior to placement, they do not have legal standing to intervene in those choices after the fact. Yet they do need to have time to process, to vent, to learn and to grow-- as do we all. Thank you for caring so deeply about your daughter's birthmom and her family. Know that we are keeping you all in our prayers at this difficult time.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I read this posting from cgrace and my heart just broke. I think Elizabeth hit the nail on the head about the BGM having past issues and problems. It is obvious that the relationship has not always been close, or the BP would have told her mom from the beginning what she was doing. After the blow-up, the BP most likely just wanted to "vent" to someone who would understand her pain and issues, and you obviously share a bond. I have found that most people don't know what to say or how to respond if you talk to them about adoption, so your BP called someone who does understand...You. Just be supportive of her. Either her mother will get over this, or she won't, but your BP has to take care of herself and her children and not torture herself for her mothers lack of caring, compassion, or understanding. I would give her a cooling off period before you attempt any contact yourself (through the letter). Honestly she may need six months to a year to get over her anger enough to (possibly) try to understand why her daughter did what she did. Maybe then she can see that the BP was making a choice that was best for her child, and not take it as a personal attack.

Personally, I was appalled that your BP's mother put her through that. My daughter placed last month and she needed so much support to get through it. I couldn't imagine my child placing her child and dealing with it alone. If the BGM continues to be so angry and hateful, I think you all would be better leaving her out of your childs life until she can pull herself out of her cesspool of bitterness.

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Thanks Smarkum for your honest response. I'm very glad for you and your daughter that you had each other during this difficult time. I'm hopeful that someday our BGM will become the support her daughter truly needs.

She has since called and spoken to me for a long while. She even listened some, though she obviously didn't agree with anything that I said. I know that this all came as a shock to her and that she is just now getting to deal with emotions that should have been expressed a year ago. I know that things were not handled well, but there was nothing we could do but wait until our BP was ready to share with her mother. As it was, it came out in a less desirable manner and that did not improve the situation.

At this point, I just pray that our BGM will be able to put her bitterness and anger aside, focus on what is best for both her child and her grandchild, and eventually desire to build a relationship with us for the benefit of that child. She may not be able to, and I know we'll have to live with that and make the most of the relationship we have with our BP (though that is currently silent since the BGM called). I explained that our child could not have too many grandparents and that we would cherish the opportunity to build a relationship with her, but she seems unwilling to have a relationship if the grandchild cannot be raised by her (her stated desire).

I cannot imagine how she must feel, so I try to calm my own fears and remind myself that she is hurting and confused. As you say, I would not foster a relationship with her in her current state of mind. Any relationship would have to be for our child's benefit, and right now I couldn't see it be anything but hurtful. Still, I hurt for both my child and hers (our BP) as this has put a lot of strain on a fragile relationship that takes hard work to maintain. No one does this open adoption thing because it's easy, I know, but I hate to have to work so hard at it. I will continue to do so, for my child's sake, and I'll pray that our partners in this will do the same.

Thanks again for responding to my need, Smarkum, and Elizabeth. You have helped me wrap my heart and brain around the dilemma and place it in the only hands that can truly make a difference.

Christina

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  • 5 months later...

My son & his girlfriend recently had a baby boy. During the pregnancy, they contacted this adoption outlet & the adoptive parents were found. My husband and I met Chad & Jena, the day Camden Lee was born. We clicked with them right away. They are such wonderful people, we couldn't imagine our grandson being with any other folks. I am a child of adoption, many years ago, when the doors were slammed shut from birthparents/adoptive parents communicating. I want to express, how warm & welcoming we have felt about this adoption. There has been a feeling of inclusion & we feel that we still have the right to love Camden as a grandchild. We are deeply appreciative of Chad & Jena, opening their hearts & home to Camden. God's blessings are all around us & comfort us. Thank you Abrazo for making all this possible.

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Congratulations on being new birthgrandparents. Your grandson is definitely in good hands with Chad and Jena!

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Welcome, and thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!! We're so glad you've found the Forum and we hope you'll feel free to explore, post often and help us all better understand what adopted persons from years gone by have had to deal with, so we can all better appreciate the gifts that openness offers!

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Welcome to Camden's birth grandparents! I think your grandson may have the coolest nursery around. He definately is in cowpoke country, that's for sure. I think it is awesome that you are supportive of the adoption plan and that you are wanting to be involved in your grandson's life. I believe it will benefit everyone in Camden's life, but most of all Camden. Please continue to post so that we can enjoy your wisdom and insights as Camden grows and all the families weave their love around the cutie pie who is the reason for it all, Camden! Congratulations!

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Welcome Camden's grandparents!

I am so glad you posted to share w/ us. We LOVE Chad & Jena.

Camden is such a special boy & to be loved by so many.....what a wonderful blessing from God!

Hugs from Virginia (& one of Camden's Pea buddies)

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chicagogal52,

Now that the tears have stopped, I can post!! Thanks so much for your kind words! You and camaro67 were so sweet to us during the whole time we were there. I can't tell you how that made us feel. We feel that Cam can never have enough love!! We are so thankful for him, his BPs, and the rest of his family! We expected our family to grow by one, but never dreamed that there would be so many others! There have been ups and downs, but it has all been wonderful!! Hope to see you post again!! Hope you guys have a wonderful Easter!! tongue.gif

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Welcome!

We're so glad you've found the Forum and especially that your family found Chad and Jena!

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Here's a sweet story I just heard from one of our staff members who just got off the phone with a birthmom who's in the hospital, having recently delivered... she's been solid on the idea of adoption being the right plan for her baby's future, but when her dad came by the hospital to see his new grandson, he told her the baby was so beautiful, he just didn't see any way they could still go through with this.

Well, the birthmom arranged for her parents to meet the adoptive couple she'd chosen; her dad ended up taking them out for supper; and this morning, he assured his daughter that she is making the right choice, because he now knows firsthand that his grandbaby is going to be in good hands. smile.gif

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